Finger Eleven - Above
Inside, I'm gone.
You knew that all-all along.
Without the distance, you never get away-yay-hey yay-hey.
Plastic bag image.
It's over now, it's over now.
The color fading, is all the way to grey-yay-hey yay-hey.
We-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look above.
We-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look abo-ove.
Trusting the instinct.
It's not about what you think.
The one reaction is only to obey-yay-hey yay-hey.
And I'm-I'm staring,
All around, not far down.
Judge the distance from the ground and pray-yay-hey yay-hey.
We-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look above.
We-hee-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look abo-ha-ya-ove.
We-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look above.
WE-EE-EE ARE STRONG, BUT WE'RE DUMB.
WE LOOK ABOVE, WE LOOK ABOVE.
WE-EE-EE ARE STRONG, BUT WE'RE DUMB.
WE LOOK ABOVE, WE LOOK ABOVE.
WE-HEE-EE-EE ARE STROOONG, BUT WE'RE DUMB.
WE LOOK ABOVE, WE LOOK ABO-OVE.
WE LOOK ABOVE.
Hey-yay-hey yay-hey.
WE LOOK ABOVE, WE LOOK ABOVE.
Yay-hey yay-hey-yay.
I've been away. Don't think anyone's noticed. I didn't really notice, either. I've been kind of killing myself in increments over the last several months, with no end in sight. School fell through, various attempts at dating fell through, interpersonal responsibilities fell through. It sort of seems life (at least for me) is designed to continually fall through. I've got no energy to see anything through anymore. They don't have outlets for me to plug into so I can recharge. Can't decide if I should continue to get up, and keep on, or not. This might sound self-pitying, but it's not. I don't feel sorrowful, just disappointed. Nothing has any lasting substance. It's all intangible. All I can do is work, come home, work, come home, etc. When I'm home, I just sit at my computer and stare at the monitor, waiting for something.
Anyway, the above song has basically been rattling around my head for the last little while.
Link on YouTube.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Monday, November 28, 2011
The Muppet movie
I went to see the new Muppet movie yesterday.
It was EPIC!!
Or better yet, described thusly...
Most Sensational!
Inspirational!
Celebrational!
Muppetational!!
I grew up watching the original Muppet Show, and the few incarnations from between then and now. If you ever liked the Muppets, at any point in time, you will absolutely love this film. The well-written musical numbers, the cameos, the several mature sub-plots, and overall positive (but not maudlin) feel of this film, make it an absolute joy to watch.
You'll laugh, get teary-eyed, and laugh, and get teary-eyed some more. There needs to be more quality films like this put out into the world. It really captures the spirit of Jim Henson, and what the Muppets are about.
If you haven't carted your sweet patootie out to see it yet, you're seriously missing out. But if my word isn't enough to sway you, Rotten Tomatoes gave it 98%. That's over a hundred reviews from all over, averaged together. That many reviews can't be wrong.
Hopefully, Disney won't ruin it by riding it into the ground.
*crosses fingers*
It was EPIC!!
Or better yet, described thusly...
Most Sensational!
Inspirational!
Celebrational!
Muppetational!!
I grew up watching the original Muppet Show, and the few incarnations from between then and now. If you ever liked the Muppets, at any point in time, you will absolutely love this film. The well-written musical numbers, the cameos, the several mature sub-plots, and overall positive (but not maudlin) feel of this film, make it an absolute joy to watch.
You'll laugh, get teary-eyed, and laugh, and get teary-eyed some more. There needs to be more quality films like this put out into the world. It really captures the spirit of Jim Henson, and what the Muppets are about.
If you haven't carted your sweet patootie out to see it yet, you're seriously missing out. But if my word isn't enough to sway you, Rotten Tomatoes gave it 98%. That's over a hundred reviews from all over, averaged together. That many reviews can't be wrong.
Hopefully, Disney won't ruin it by riding it into the ground.
*crosses fingers*
Friday, November 18, 2011
Burt FUCKING Reynolds!!
Hello Blog.
I've been playing Saints Row the Third for the last few days, and that's what the title of this post refers to.
More accurately, it's a literal line of dialogue from the game, and an example of how sheer awesomeness can blindside you when it's unexpected.
Burt Reynolds actually voices his in-game counterpart, and the reveal of him was totally a surprise, and done in such a way as to imply coolness galore. I think any time something unexpectedly awesome happens, I shall forevermore say "Burt FUCKING Reynolds!!".
Long-story-short, I'm really enjoying the game.
<: ) In non-Burt related news: I've joined up to a paid online dating site, Match.com. I'm not posting a link - mainly because it's about as non-exciting as my other forays in online dating. 'Nuff said. I've been hearing some talk about an upcoming Superman movie, titled "Superman: Man of Steel". To be directed by Zack Snyder (who did Sucker Punch, Watchmen, Dawn of the Dead, and 300), and executive produced by Christopher Nolan (director of Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and Memento). Not sure how I feel about this, especially because Superman is something of an idol of mine, and has been since I was practically a fetus.
While at work the other day, I thought of a personal checklist of things that should happen in a Superman film, as follows:
-No explanation of his origins. EVERYONE knows who Superman is.
-Put him up against a credible threat. And not a threat that Supes has fought a buhjillion times.
-Showcase aspects that show how Superman is "super" - both in his awesome powers, and in his life and mindset.
-Other superhero cameos! Establish that Superman is in a larger world, one potentially filled with other heroes, like the Justice League.
Personally, if I told the story, I'd start the film with Superman going through his routine as Clark Kent. He might be down at the Daily Planet, trying to think of some kind of story to print, when he hears something with his super hearing. Peeping around to make sure no one's watching, he uses his super-speed to quickly hammer out a story based on what he's about to do, and rushes off into a series of brief vignettes showcasing him triumphing over various members of his rogues gallery.
I'd even toss in a few moments hinting at the founding of the Justice League. Maybe lifting parts of a space station into orbit, with glimpses of a few soon-to-be-members using their powers to help in the background.
Maybe there could even be a moment where we see Supes just flying around, when he spots a scuffle in a back alley. Cut to a black clad man in a cape, pummeling a group of obvious thugs - and there's a reveal that it's Batman, kicking some ass. Just as things look safe, a thug looks like he's got the drop on 'ole Bats. As the thug is about to strike/stab/shoot/hug(?) Batman - we see a brief zap of Superman's heat vision that temporarily stuns the criminal, alerting Batman, who then incapacitates him. Batman then turns, flashing a dirty look to Superman (implying familiarity), as Superman glides majestically off into the sky, with a happy salute and smile.
That's got to be enough for perhaps the first 20 minutes, and now we can settle in for the main plot.
In my take, I'd like to see Superman helping S.T.A.R. Labs with research on some kind of extradimensional power source. Something goes awry, and there's a quasi-dimensional "hiccup" in the experiment - and the results cause ripples of time-displacement around the surrounding area, which Supes must contend with. Maybe Supes gets another brief actiony montage dealing with the holes in our reality that are drawing forth some minor dangers. Dinosaurs, aliens, nazis, evil grannies, whatever. And after Superman is done fixing things, we get a reveal of something he missed. A figure, that in silhouette, seems exactly like Superman. And for a good chunk of the story, we'd only get tiny reveals of who this is, implying that it might be another Kryptonian - possibly an evil copy of Superman.
And it is, and it isn't.
I'd choose Ultraman, who is something of an alternate timeline/dimensional counterpart of Superman, and comparable in terms of power. At which point, I'd expect at least 1 more massive action setpiece, where Superman and Ultraman face off, and level, an area of Metropolis. I'm talking skyscrapers falling, hitting each other with buses and cars. An all-out super-brawl.
I see a moment where some bystanders witness 1 of the combatants bounce off a building and crash into the pavement. As they rush to help, it would be implied that it's Superman, but it isn't. As he rises from the asphalt crater, Ultraman cooks them with his heat vision. At least we insinuate that he does that. A close up of the bystanders backing away, with Ultraman's eyes starting to release energy.
I don't have any idea how it should end, exactly, but I do think it needs a twist. I think it might be cool to have it seem that Superman wins. Maybe he makes some kind of deal with Lex Luthor, acquiring a chunk of Kryptonite to use on Ultraman. But in an epilogue, we could show that Superman did not win, and exposing Ultraman to the kryptonite gave him the power to mimic Superman's appearance.
Credits.
Guaranteed need for sequel. It could involve an injured Superman teaming up with the heroes who will become the Justice League.
Could shoot both stories back-to-back.
BAM!
I've been playing Saints Row the Third for the last few days, and that's what the title of this post refers to.
More accurately, it's a literal line of dialogue from the game, and an example of how sheer awesomeness can blindside you when it's unexpected.
Burt Reynolds actually voices his in-game counterpart, and the reveal of him was totally a surprise, and done in such a way as to imply coolness galore. I think any time something unexpectedly awesome happens, I shall forevermore say "Burt FUCKING Reynolds!!".
Long-story-short, I'm really enjoying the game.
<: ) In non-Burt related news: I've joined up to a paid online dating site, Match.com. I'm not posting a link - mainly because it's about as non-exciting as my other forays in online dating. 'Nuff said. I've been hearing some talk about an upcoming Superman movie, titled "Superman: Man of Steel". To be directed by Zack Snyder (who did Sucker Punch, Watchmen, Dawn of the Dead, and 300), and executive produced by Christopher Nolan (director of Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and Memento). Not sure how I feel about this, especially because Superman is something of an idol of mine, and has been since I was practically a fetus.
While at work the other day, I thought of a personal checklist of things that should happen in a Superman film, as follows:
-No explanation of his origins. EVERYONE knows who Superman is.
-Put him up against a credible threat. And not a threat that Supes has fought a buhjillion times.
-Showcase aspects that show how Superman is "super" - both in his awesome powers, and in his life and mindset.
-Other superhero cameos! Establish that Superman is in a larger world, one potentially filled with other heroes, like the Justice League.
Personally, if I told the story, I'd start the film with Superman going through his routine as Clark Kent. He might be down at the Daily Planet, trying to think of some kind of story to print, when he hears something with his super hearing. Peeping around to make sure no one's watching, he uses his super-speed to quickly hammer out a story based on what he's about to do, and rushes off into a series of brief vignettes showcasing him triumphing over various members of his rogues gallery.
I'd even toss in a few moments hinting at the founding of the Justice League. Maybe lifting parts of a space station into orbit, with glimpses of a few soon-to-be-members using their powers to help in the background.
Maybe there could even be a moment where we see Supes just flying around, when he spots a scuffle in a back alley. Cut to a black clad man in a cape, pummeling a group of obvious thugs - and there's a reveal that it's Batman, kicking some ass. Just as things look safe, a thug looks like he's got the drop on 'ole Bats. As the thug is about to strike/stab/shoot/hug(?) Batman - we see a brief zap of Superman's heat vision that temporarily stuns the criminal, alerting Batman, who then incapacitates him. Batman then turns, flashing a dirty look to Superman (implying familiarity), as Superman glides majestically off into the sky, with a happy salute and smile.
That's got to be enough for perhaps the first 20 minutes, and now we can settle in for the main plot.
In my take, I'd like to see Superman helping S.T.A.R. Labs with research on some kind of extradimensional power source. Something goes awry, and there's a quasi-dimensional "hiccup" in the experiment - and the results cause ripples of time-displacement around the surrounding area, which Supes must contend with. Maybe Supes gets another brief actiony montage dealing with the holes in our reality that are drawing forth some minor dangers. Dinosaurs, aliens, nazis, evil grannies, whatever. And after Superman is done fixing things, we get a reveal of something he missed. A figure, that in silhouette, seems exactly like Superman. And for a good chunk of the story, we'd only get tiny reveals of who this is, implying that it might be another Kryptonian - possibly an evil copy of Superman.
And it is, and it isn't.
I'd choose Ultraman, who is something of an alternate timeline/dimensional counterpart of Superman, and comparable in terms of power. At which point, I'd expect at least 1 more massive action setpiece, where Superman and Ultraman face off, and level, an area of Metropolis. I'm talking skyscrapers falling, hitting each other with buses and cars. An all-out super-brawl.
I see a moment where some bystanders witness 1 of the combatants bounce off a building and crash into the pavement. As they rush to help, it would be implied that it's Superman, but it isn't. As he rises from the asphalt crater, Ultraman cooks them with his heat vision. At least we insinuate that he does that. A close up of the bystanders backing away, with Ultraman's eyes starting to release energy.
I don't have any idea how it should end, exactly, but I do think it needs a twist. I think it might be cool to have it seem that Superman wins. Maybe he makes some kind of deal with Lex Luthor, acquiring a chunk of Kryptonite to use on Ultraman. But in an epilogue, we could show that Superman did not win, and exposing Ultraman to the kryptonite gave him the power to mimic Superman's appearance.
Credits.
Guaranteed need for sequel. It could involve an injured Superman teaming up with the heroes who will become the Justice League.
Could shoot both stories back-to-back.
BAM!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Waxing...off?
Hello again blog.
As usual, not much excitement happening. I've finally gotten my riches from Blue Cross, and the situation with the girl I was seeing indeed went south.
She didn't even bother to return an e-mail I sent her (which wasn't antagonistic, it was actually a reply to prior e-mail sent to me). Maybe she saw the blog-ish entries on my dating profile - ones where I implied the wasting of my time, and being led on (2 things I hate). Maybe not. I simply think she was too much of a coward to simply tell me she wasn't interested, and liked my attention (it probably boosted her self-esteem). In any case, I'm not surprised. It's kind of par for the course.
I used to think that all the "good ones" were taken. Now, I'm thinking that there were never any "good ones" to begin with.
Which brings me to my next...erm..."issue".
I've been wrestling with some feelings I'd rather not be. I've reached the point where I'm starting to feel absolutely bitter. Consistently so. Normally, I go through little periods of it, and eventually it passes. Now, I'm feeling it all the time. It's the kind of bitterness that makes me want to kick people's teeth in whenever I see them smiling, or happy. It's like the twist of an invisible knife in my heart when I see people holding hands, or walking their babies by in strollers. I'd murder the world to feel that amorphous, yet integral, thing. But I'm apparently not allowed to. I don't know why.
It's been very hard to keep the happy face on in front of anyone I know. But I'm known for being the smiling, silly goofball. So I guess this is all just "tears of a clown", or something. Me playing my role helps others get through their day. Or not. I don't even know anymore.
I've been hearing these 2 songs over the intercom at work. They've been poking at me for the last few weeks, and this afternoon, I finally sat down and figured out who did them.
It's nice to hear some actual "good music" (which is subjective, I suppose) out there for a change. Very sick of everything seeming to be Katy Perry, or Lady Gaga (both, whom I despise with the burning passion of a 1000 suns). Justin Hines is exceptional. Inspirational, even. In any case, I find both songs very moving.
Take a look.
The Band Perry - If I Die Young
Justin Hines - Tell Me I'm Wrong
As usual, not much excitement happening. I've finally gotten my riches from Blue Cross, and the situation with the girl I was seeing indeed went south.
She didn't even bother to return an e-mail I sent her (which wasn't antagonistic, it was actually a reply to prior e-mail sent to me). Maybe she saw the blog-ish entries on my dating profile - ones where I implied the wasting of my time, and being led on (2 things I hate). Maybe not. I simply think she was too much of a coward to simply tell me she wasn't interested, and liked my attention (it probably boosted her self-esteem). In any case, I'm not surprised. It's kind of par for the course.
I used to think that all the "good ones" were taken. Now, I'm thinking that there were never any "good ones" to begin with.
Which brings me to my next...erm..."issue".
I've been wrestling with some feelings I'd rather not be. I've reached the point where I'm starting to feel absolutely bitter. Consistently so. Normally, I go through little periods of it, and eventually it passes. Now, I'm feeling it all the time. It's the kind of bitterness that makes me want to kick people's teeth in whenever I see them smiling, or happy. It's like the twist of an invisible knife in my heart when I see people holding hands, or walking their babies by in strollers. I'd murder the world to feel that amorphous, yet integral, thing. But I'm apparently not allowed to. I don't know why.
It's been very hard to keep the happy face on in front of anyone I know. But I'm known for being the smiling, silly goofball. So I guess this is all just "tears of a clown", or something. Me playing my role helps others get through their day. Or not. I don't even know anymore.
I've been hearing these 2 songs over the intercom at work. They've been poking at me for the last few weeks, and this afternoon, I finally sat down and figured out who did them.
It's nice to hear some actual "good music" (which is subjective, I suppose) out there for a change. Very sick of everything seeming to be Katy Perry, or Lady Gaga (both, whom I despise with the burning passion of a 1000 suns). Justin Hines is exceptional. Inspirational, even. In any case, I find both songs very moving.
Take a look.
The Band Perry - If I Die Young
Justin Hines - Tell Me I'm Wrong
Friday, October 21, 2011
With-ah Teeth-ah!
Hello again, Blog. How's Bloggyness treating you?
Not too much exciting things happening here. Here's the skinny.
-Been quasi-dating a cute, horribly issue-ridden girl. A bulimic, obsessive-compulsive (with excercise, possibly other things), into-the-cutting, girl...who likes to have friends-with-benefits. She also can't be bothered to give me time on her busy schedule. I only seem to get time when people cancel time with her. Also, she blew me off the other night, claiming she was heading home to nap, then texted me that she was out speed-skating. I guess that makes her kind of dumb, too. I don't think this'll last much longer.
-I've been wrestling with Alberta Blue Cross for the last few months. Apparently, the system in place doesn't update your information when it gets entered into it, should you be giving personal information to...say, a dentist office. Meaning that you have to contact them, and change all your personal info on their end.
Seems counter-intuitive. I bring it up because I've been waiting for reimbursement from my coverage, which is apparently going to an address I haven't lived at for almost a decade. All because the system doesn't acknowledge that newer information might be more reliable than what's on file. Now imagine that you've spent over $2000 out-of-pocket, waiting for reimbursement that isn't getting to you. Hulk is mad...and broke, waiting for my 85% coverage to get back to me.
I've called Blue Cross, twice now, to fix things. Hopefully, the riches will get to me in the next week or 2.
-I've been having peculiar dreams, and I think they're prophetic. Stuff I'm dreaming is coming to pass.
-On another weird note, R & J have been kicking around baby names, and for the last few weeks I've had a name stuck in my head.
"Lily".
I was meaning to suggest it, and just the other day, J confided that it's likely the name they're going with.
That might not sound too weird, but combine it with the fact that I also knew J was pregnant before anyone else did (even her), and knew it was going to be a girl...
Very, very odd.
Not too much exciting things happening here. Here's the skinny.
-Been quasi-dating a cute, horribly issue-ridden girl. A bulimic, obsessive-compulsive (with excercise, possibly other things), into-the-cutting, girl...who likes to have friends-with-benefits. She also can't be bothered to give me time on her busy schedule. I only seem to get time when people cancel time with her. Also, she blew me off the other night, claiming she was heading home to nap, then texted me that she was out speed-skating. I guess that makes her kind of dumb, too. I don't think this'll last much longer.
-I've been wrestling with Alberta Blue Cross for the last few months. Apparently, the system in place doesn't update your information when it gets entered into it, should you be giving personal information to...say, a dentist office. Meaning that you have to contact them, and change all your personal info on their end.
Seems counter-intuitive. I bring it up because I've been waiting for reimbursement from my coverage, which is apparently going to an address I haven't lived at for almost a decade. All because the system doesn't acknowledge that newer information might be more reliable than what's on file. Now imagine that you've spent over $2000 out-of-pocket, waiting for reimbursement that isn't getting to you. Hulk is mad...and broke, waiting for my 85% coverage to get back to me.
I've called Blue Cross, twice now, to fix things. Hopefully, the riches will get to me in the next week or 2.
-I've been having peculiar dreams, and I think they're prophetic. Stuff I'm dreaming is coming to pass.
-On another weird note, R & J have been kicking around baby names, and for the last few weeks I've had a name stuck in my head.
"Lily".
I was meaning to suggest it, and just the other day, J confided that it's likely the name they're going with.
That might not sound too weird, but combine it with the fact that I also knew J was pregnant before anyone else did (even her), and knew it was going to be a girl...
Very, very odd.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Reports of my demise, are greatly exagerrated...sort of.
Hello blog, I've been ignoring you. Given the fact that alot of my blog is basically bitching, I felt the need to take a break, and refrain from it. In my own defense, in real life, I don't complain a lot. So poor blog has gotten the brunt of it. I never kept a diary, and I think this blog is basically where I've been dumping all my emo BS.
What's new? Hrm. A few things have happened in recent months. Here's a point-by-point recap:
-My roomies are expecting their first child. J is just getting into her 2nd trimester.
-R, J's husband, quit his job and went to Quebec to train for 10 weeks for a government position in Border Services. He just got back. J practically attached to him like a weird, pregnant barnacle. In a cute way.
-I nursed a co-worker through an unpleasant break-up. When things got ugly, I rose to the occasion and pulled some amazing stuff out of my ass, just to try and save the day. Yay, me.
I'd be more excited about it, but it ultimately didn't pan out like I'd hoped. She ended up moving back out to Newfoundland, and though she promised to keep in touch, she hasn't.
-I've been whiling away my time playing Star Trek Online, and Dead Island.
In Star Trek Online, I've got 3 characters from each class (science, engineering, and tactical) up to Vice Admiral (the highest rank in STO, currently). I even joined a Fleet, which is like a Guild in other MMOs.
I've been enjoying Dead Island, but the flimsyness of the melee weapons really annoys me. You can earn abilities as you level that bolster the resilience of weapons. Even so, they seem to break way too damn easily. If I'm bashing a zombified human with a steel pipe, it's not going to break after bashing in a dozen zombie skulls. Fact.
-I was at the dentist earlier this last week getting some work done. The dentist kept bopping me in the head with her boobs repeatedly. I was totally unsure of how to, or even if I should, try and raise the issue. I had a mouthful of equipment each time it happened, so I couldn't talk. To say "please miss, could you please stop hitting me with your boobs?" seems wrong somehow. Like antithetical to my very being. If I bump into that dentist again, I'll consider bringing it up, in a playfully joking way. She was very cute.
-I just found this awesome version of Star Fox doing a spoof of David Bowie's Space Oddity. I have no words to describe how awesome it is.
Go take a look right here.
Toodles!
What's new? Hrm. A few things have happened in recent months. Here's a point-by-point recap:
-My roomies are expecting their first child. J is just getting into her 2nd trimester.
-R, J's husband, quit his job and went to Quebec to train for 10 weeks for a government position in Border Services. He just got back. J practically attached to him like a weird, pregnant barnacle. In a cute way.
-I nursed a co-worker through an unpleasant break-up. When things got ugly, I rose to the occasion and pulled some amazing stuff out of my ass, just to try and save the day. Yay, me.
I'd be more excited about it, but it ultimately didn't pan out like I'd hoped. She ended up moving back out to Newfoundland, and though she promised to keep in touch, she hasn't.
-I've been whiling away my time playing Star Trek Online, and Dead Island.
In Star Trek Online, I've got 3 characters from each class (science, engineering, and tactical) up to Vice Admiral (the highest rank in STO, currently). I even joined a Fleet, which is like a Guild in other MMOs.
I've been enjoying Dead Island, but the flimsyness of the melee weapons really annoys me. You can earn abilities as you level that bolster the resilience of weapons. Even so, they seem to break way too damn easily. If I'm bashing a zombified human with a steel pipe, it's not going to break after bashing in a dozen zombie skulls. Fact.
-I was at the dentist earlier this last week getting some work done. The dentist kept bopping me in the head with her boobs repeatedly. I was totally unsure of how to, or even if I should, try and raise the issue. I had a mouthful of equipment each time it happened, so I couldn't talk. To say "please miss, could you please stop hitting me with your boobs?" seems wrong somehow. Like antithetical to my very being. If I bump into that dentist again, I'll consider bringing it up, in a playfully joking way. She was very cute.
-I just found this awesome version of Star Fox doing a spoof of David Bowie's Space Oddity. I have no words to describe how awesome it is.
Go take a look right here.
Toodles!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"I am done with man..."
Recently my interests of late have been about monsters. Both in film and literature.
Nightbreed, Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein, etc.
I've always had a fascination with monsters. I've typically felt more a kinship with them than I do with "normal" people. That realization didn't dawn on me until late last night, during my viewing of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I'll explain the trigger in a bit.
Growing up, I've always been weird. I've never fit in, never felt like I belong, or been accepted. I don't have ties to family or friends, and until recently, thought I had something close to it. But like everything, it never lasts. And when it falls apart, it does so in spectacular fashion. And I'm left with nothing. Again.
I always thought that if I did good things, treated people with respect and dignity, that somehow I'd earn...something. Some kind of recognition. A gold star signifying "good job". I figured that someone might notice. But I don't think anyone is watching me. Nor do I think anyone even cares. I've been down this road before, more than a few times. Struggling with the need for confirmation.
I never thought I was a praise-seeker, per se, I just want a reason. A reason for why I've had to deal with the abuse I've taken, and still take, as one of many invisible people out in the world. I need a reason to continue to be here. A reason to stay. And I search for it. I search for it in people's faces. But the gaze of people just glides over. No one registers me. I'm not on the radar. Not special enough to be singled out.
I feel sick with this need for someone to actually see me. To really, truly see me. I dream, and hope, and pray for some kind of...connection. But after many years, and alot of mileage, I realize it's a "long wait for a train don't come".
I feel like I've broken myself. Trying to squish my square-peg-self into a round-peg hole. Trying to play nice with the "normal" folks, only to get kicked for my trouble.
Anyhoo.
Back to the point about monsters I was going to make. In the film I was watching (Mary Shelley's Frankenstein), there was a moment when the Creation, had finally tracked down his creator, and met with him on the "sea of ice". The Creation (played by Robert De Niro), had a moment of dialogue that resonated exactly with how I feel.
"I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all".
"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage the likes of which you would not believe".
"If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other".
I'm not sure at what point I became this...thing. All twisted up inside from being marginalized, ignored, and alienated. I don't feel like a person anymore. More like a movie monster than a functional person.
But if no one will acknowledge the man, then I will give them the monster...
Nightbreed, Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein, etc.
I've always had a fascination with monsters. I've typically felt more a kinship with them than I do with "normal" people. That realization didn't dawn on me until late last night, during my viewing of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I'll explain the trigger in a bit.
Growing up, I've always been weird. I've never fit in, never felt like I belong, or been accepted. I don't have ties to family or friends, and until recently, thought I had something close to it. But like everything, it never lasts. And when it falls apart, it does so in spectacular fashion. And I'm left with nothing. Again.
I always thought that if I did good things, treated people with respect and dignity, that somehow I'd earn...something. Some kind of recognition. A gold star signifying "good job". I figured that someone might notice. But I don't think anyone is watching me. Nor do I think anyone even cares. I've been down this road before, more than a few times. Struggling with the need for confirmation.
I never thought I was a praise-seeker, per se, I just want a reason. A reason for why I've had to deal with the abuse I've taken, and still take, as one of many invisible people out in the world. I need a reason to continue to be here. A reason to stay. And I search for it. I search for it in people's faces. But the gaze of people just glides over. No one registers me. I'm not on the radar. Not special enough to be singled out.
I feel sick with this need for someone to actually see me. To really, truly see me. I dream, and hope, and pray for some kind of...connection. But after many years, and alot of mileage, I realize it's a "long wait for a train don't come".
I feel like I've broken myself. Trying to squish my square-peg-self into a round-peg hole. Trying to play nice with the "normal" folks, only to get kicked for my trouble.
Anyhoo.
Back to the point about monsters I was going to make. In the film I was watching (Mary Shelley's Frankenstein), there was a moment when the Creation, had finally tracked down his creator, and met with him on the "sea of ice". The Creation (played by Robert De Niro), had a moment of dialogue that resonated exactly with how I feel.
"I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all".
"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage the likes of which you would not believe".
"If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other".
I'm not sure at what point I became this...thing. All twisted up inside from being marginalized, ignored, and alienated. I don't feel like a person anymore. More like a movie monster than a functional person.
But if no one will acknowledge the man, then I will give them the monster...
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