"I am done with man..."

Recently my interests of late have been about monsters. Both in film and literature.

Nightbreed, Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein, etc.

I've always had a fascination with monsters. I've typically felt more a kinship with them than I do with "normal" people. That realization didn't dawn on me until late last night, during my viewing of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I'll explain the trigger in a bit.

Growing up, I've always been weird. I've never fit in, never felt like I belong, or been accepted. I don't have ties to family or friends, and until recently, thought I had something close to it. But like everything, it never lasts. And when it falls apart, it does so in spectacular fashion. And I'm left with nothing. Again.

I always thought that if I did good things, treated people with respect and dignity, that somehow I'd earn...something. Some kind of recognition. A gold star signifying "good job". I figured that someone might notice. But I don't think anyone is watching me. Nor do I think anyone even cares. I've been down this road before, more than a few times. Struggling with the need for confirmation.

I never thought I was a praise-seeker, per se, I just want a reason. A reason for why I've had to deal with the abuse I've taken, and still take, as one of many invisible people out in the world. I need a reason to continue to be here. A reason to stay. And I search for it. I search for it in people's faces. But the gaze of people just glides over. No one registers me. I'm not on the radar. Not special enough to be singled out.

I feel sick with this need for someone to actually see me. To really, truly see me. I dream, and hope, and pray for some kind of...connection. But after many years, and alot of mileage, I realize it's a "long wait for a train don't come".

I feel like I've broken myself. Trying to squish my square-peg-self into a round-peg hole. Trying to play nice with the "normal" folks, only to get kicked for my trouble.

Anyhoo.

Back to the point about monsters I was going to make. In the film I was watching (Mary Shelley's Frankenstein), there was a moment when the Creation, had finally tracked down his creator, and met with him on the "sea of ice". The Creation (played by Robert De Niro), had a moment of dialogue that resonated exactly with how I feel.

"I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all".

"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage the likes of which you would not believe".

"If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other".

I'm not sure at what point I became this...thing. All twisted up inside from being marginalized, ignored, and alienated. I don't feel like a person anymore. More like a movie monster than a functional person.

But if no one will acknowledge the man, then I will give them the monster...