Waxing...off?

Hello again blog.

As usual, not much excitement happening. I've finally gotten my riches from Blue Cross, and the situation with the girl I was seeing indeed went south.

She didn't even bother to return an e-mail I sent her (which wasn't antagonistic, it was actually a reply to prior e-mail sent to me). Maybe she saw the blog-ish entries on my dating profile - ones where I implied the wasting of my time, and being led on (2 things I hate). Maybe not. I simply think she was too much of a coward to simply tell me she wasn't interested, and liked my attention (it probably boosted her self-esteem). In any case, I'm not surprised. It's kind of par for the course.

I used to think that all the "good ones" were taken. Now, I'm thinking that there were never any "good ones" to begin with.

Which brings me to my next...erm..."issue".

I've been wrestling with some feelings I'd rather not be. I've reached the point where I'm starting to feel absolutely bitter. Consistently so. Normally, I go through little periods of it, and eventually it passes. Now, I'm feeling it all the time. It's the kind of bitterness that makes me want to kick people's teeth in whenever I see them smiling, or happy. It's like the twist of an invisible knife in my heart when I see people holding hands, or walking their babies by in strollers. I'd murder the world to feel that amorphous, yet integral, thing. But I'm apparently not allowed to. I don't know why.

It's been very hard to keep the happy face on in front of anyone I know. But I'm known for being the smiling, silly goofball. So I guess this is all just "tears of a clown", or something. Me playing my role helps others get through their day. Or not. I don't even know anymore.

I've been hearing these 2 songs over the intercom at work. They've been poking at me for the last few weeks, and this afternoon, I finally sat down and figured out who did them.

It's nice to hear some actual "good music" (which is subjective, I suppose) out there for a change. Very sick of everything seeming to be Katy Perry, or Lady Gaga (both, whom I despise with the burning passion of a 1000 suns). Justin Hines is exceptional. Inspirational, even. In any case, I find both songs very moving.

Take a look.

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

Justin Hines - Tell Me I'm Wrong

With-ah Teeth-ah!

Hello again, Blog. How's Bloggyness treating you?

Not too much exciting things happening here. Here's the skinny.

-Been quasi-dating a cute, horribly issue-ridden girl. A bulimic, obsessive-compulsive (with excercise, possibly other things), into-the-cutting, girl...who likes to have friends-with-benefits. She also can't be bothered to give me time on her busy schedule. I only seem to get time when people cancel time with her. Also, she blew me off the other night, claiming she was heading home to nap, then texted me that she was out speed-skating. I guess that makes her kind of dumb, too. I don't think this'll last much longer.

-I've been wrestling with Alberta Blue Cross for the last few months. Apparently, the system in place doesn't update your information when it gets entered into it, should you be giving personal information to...say, a dentist office. Meaning that you have to contact them, and change all your personal info on their end.

Seems counter-intuitive. I bring it up because I've been waiting for reimbursement from my coverage, which is apparently going to an address I haven't lived at for almost a decade. All because the system doesn't acknowledge that newer information might be more reliable than what's on file. Now imagine that you've spent over $2000 out-of-pocket, waiting for reimbursement that isn't getting to you. Hulk is mad...and broke, waiting for my 85% coverage to get back to me.

I've called Blue Cross, twice now, to fix things. Hopefully, the riches will get to me in the next week or 2.

-I've been having peculiar dreams, and I think they're prophetic. Stuff I'm dreaming is coming to pass.

-On another weird note, R & J have been kicking around baby names, and for the last few weeks I've had a name stuck in my head.

"Lily".

I was meaning to suggest it, and just the other day, J confided that it's likely the name they're going with.

That might not sound too weird, but combine it with the fact that I also knew J was pregnant before anyone else did (even her), and knew it was going to be a girl...

Very, very odd.

Reports of my demise, are greatly exagerrated...sort of.

Hello blog, I've been ignoring you. Given the fact that alot of my blog is basically bitching, I felt the need to take a break, and refrain from it. In my own defense, in real life, I don't complain a lot. So poor blog has gotten the brunt of it. I never kept a diary, and I think this blog is basically where I've been dumping all my emo BS.

What's new? Hrm. A few things have happened in recent months. Here's a point-by-point recap:

-My roomies are expecting their first child. J is just getting into her 2nd trimester.

-R, J's husband, quit his job and went to Quebec to train for 10 weeks for a government position in Border Services. He just got back. J practically attached to him like a weird, pregnant barnacle. In a cute way.

-I nursed a co-worker through an unpleasant break-up. When things got ugly, I rose to the occasion and pulled some amazing stuff out of my ass, just to try and save the day. Yay, me.

I'd be more excited about it, but it ultimately didn't pan out like I'd hoped. She ended up moving back out to Newfoundland, and though she promised to keep in touch, she hasn't.

-I've been whiling away my time playing Star Trek Online, and Dead Island.

In Star Trek Online, I've got 3 characters from each class (science, engineering, and tactical) up to Vice Admiral (the highest rank in STO, currently). I even joined a Fleet, which is like a Guild in other MMOs.

I've been enjoying Dead Island, but the flimsyness of the melee weapons really annoys me. You can earn abilities as you level that bolster the resilience of weapons. Even so, they seem to break way too damn easily. If I'm bashing a zombified human with a steel pipe, it's not going to break after bashing in a dozen zombie skulls. Fact.

-I was at the dentist earlier this last week getting some work done. The dentist kept bopping me in the head with her boobs repeatedly. I was totally unsure of how to, or even if I should, try and raise the issue. I had a mouthful of equipment each time it happened, so I couldn't talk. To say "please miss, could you please stop hitting me with your boobs?" seems wrong somehow. Like antithetical to my very being. If I bump into that dentist again, I'll consider bringing it up, in a playfully joking way. She was very cute.

-I just found this awesome version of Star Fox doing a spoof of David Bowie's Space Oddity. I have no words to describe how awesome it is.

Go take a look right here.

Toodles!

"I am done with man..."

Recently my interests of late have been about monsters. Both in film and literature.

Nightbreed, Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein, etc.

I've always had a fascination with monsters. I've typically felt more a kinship with them than I do with "normal" people. That realization didn't dawn on me until late last night, during my viewing of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I'll explain the trigger in a bit.

Growing up, I've always been weird. I've never fit in, never felt like I belong, or been accepted. I don't have ties to family or friends, and until recently, thought I had something close to it. But like everything, it never lasts. And when it falls apart, it does so in spectacular fashion. And I'm left with nothing. Again.

I always thought that if I did good things, treated people with respect and dignity, that somehow I'd earn...something. Some kind of recognition. A gold star signifying "good job". I figured that someone might notice. But I don't think anyone is watching me. Nor do I think anyone even cares. I've been down this road before, more than a few times. Struggling with the need for confirmation.

I never thought I was a praise-seeker, per se, I just want a reason. A reason for why I've had to deal with the abuse I've taken, and still take, as one of many invisible people out in the world. I need a reason to continue to be here. A reason to stay. And I search for it. I search for it in people's faces. But the gaze of people just glides over. No one registers me. I'm not on the radar. Not special enough to be singled out.

I feel sick with this need for someone to actually see me. To really, truly see me. I dream, and hope, and pray for some kind of...connection. But after many years, and alot of mileage, I realize it's a "long wait for a train don't come".

I feel like I've broken myself. Trying to squish my square-peg-self into a round-peg hole. Trying to play nice with the "normal" folks, only to get kicked for my trouble.

Anyhoo.

Back to the point about monsters I was going to make. In the film I was watching (Mary Shelley's Frankenstein), there was a moment when the Creation, had finally tracked down his creator, and met with him on the "sea of ice". The Creation (played by Robert De Niro), had a moment of dialogue that resonated exactly with how I feel.

"I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all".

"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage the likes of which you would not believe".

"If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other".

I'm not sure at what point I became this...thing. All twisted up inside from being marginalized, ignored, and alienated. I don't feel like a person anymore. More like a movie monster than a functional person.

But if no one will acknowledge the man, then I will give them the monster...

Dream or nightmares...

Yesterday, I only got about 1 hour of sleep before work. Biked to, and from, work...then collapsed into bed when I got home.

I slept for about 4 hours and had a very peculiar dream. The kind of dream that is so vivid and real, that when you wake up, you don't recognize where you are. I'll even go 1 better, I didn't immediately recognize who I was, either. I stretched out as I awoke, and felt crammed into a different container, then had a brief spaz. Funny thing is, this isn't the first time I've had dreams like this. I've had them frequently enough, that I sometimes wonder which side is the "reality" (note the quotation marks).

I don't remember the exact details of the dream, I just remember that I wasn't my waking self. I was someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. And it felt more real to me than things feel now.

Blergh...

I sometimes get into these prolongued moods where I just don't want to talk or deal with anyone. I've never been a really social person, but neither am I the type who has it in their heart to end everyone I lay eyes on, either. But in the last 2 months I've become fairly disillusioned. It's like the phases of the moon, really. Something comes along to make me feel good, then other things come along to bring me down. That's life, I suppose.

Disillusionment checklist:

#1 - My roomies suddenly stopped speaking with me. Normally this isn't a big deal, but when they flat-out start avoiding me, or deliberatley ignoring me, I start to take it personal. After about 2 weeks of this, it was finally brought to my attention that they feel taken advantage of. Long-story-short, they take credit for a majority of the changes I've gone through in the time I've known them. And feel that they've put too much time into me, and need to put that effort in elsewhere. It's true, they have, but the problem is the time that's been put into me was unsolicited. Meaning that I didn't overtly go "hey, do this for me". And they expect me to do backflips, or prostrate myself before them. Since the big discussion about this, things have gone right back to me being ignored, with them literally pretending I don't exist. It's pissing me right off. I'm actually tempted to move, when they go on vacation in the next few days. This silent treatment is so ridiculously immature.

#2 - OKCupid is just as disappointing as Plentyoffish. I still patrol for matches that don't actually "match". And the people who I get along with, just slowly disappear. Making me have to chase them for attention. I don't like that. I don't expect to be chased all the time, but a little counter-chasing is good. It at least proves that you're interested. But as it stands, nothing ever seems to go anywhere. The only person I've met that treats me with an unusual amount of respect and consideration, is a girl moving back here from Japan, whom I haven't even met yet.

#3 - My lightsaber appears to be broken. No idea how or why, as I don't handle it all that much. But I went to turn it on a few weeks back, and there was intense feedback coming through the speaker. It'll cost me $56 to replace the speaker, the LED (which was boring me, being silvery-white), and for the labor. It's not horribly expensive, $35 is for the labor alone. I find it kind of dubious that I couldn't get the 'sabersmith to look at my 'saber until right now, conveniently past the warranty time of 90 days.

Quoting Reznor...

I came across an old quote from Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, circa 1994.

"I don't know why I want to do these things, other than my desire to escape from Small Town, U.S.A., to dismiss the boundaries, to explore. It isn't a bad place where I grew up, but there was nothing going on but the cornfields. My life experience came from watching movies, watching TV and reading books and looking at magazines. And when your fucking culture comes from watching TV every day, you're bombarded with images of things that seem cool, places that seem interesting, people who have jobs and careers and opportunities. None of that happened where I was. You're almost taught to realize it's not for you."

I can really connect with this statement. I grew up the exact same way, isolated, with my experiences drawn from books, television, music, and movies. It makes me wonder what aspects of my life are really mine, and what's just cloned/borrowed from others.