Man of Steel

I've been feeling rather...faithless lately. Barely saying 2 words to anyone. Been sleeping a lot, too. Well, not so much "sleeping", as "lying-in-bed-because-I've-got-nothing-better-to-do". I feel weary, weary of everything. Some might call it depression. Maybe it is, but I don't think so. I just find it difficult to go on, year-after-year, watching everyone else take for granted the things I never get to have. Friends, families, children, love. I try for these things, but never get to have them. Not sure I can even try anymore. After all, who wants to be with someone like me?

It's like the proverbial dangling carrot in front of my nose. Always out of reach.

After awhile, the world seems less like Earth, and more like some kind of Hellish wasteland - where I'm slapped in the face with the things I desperately want, but can't have. The weight is extremely hard to manage now. I can barely carry it. I've been looking to put a plan in action to euthanize myself in the next year-and-a half. I'll cut what few ties I have, retreat from the world, and quietly fade away...

Should have time enough to squeeze in Man of Steel. I always idolized Superman.

We'll see...

Trailer 2

The Hobbit - An Unsolicited Review.

Hrm. New year. So far, not impressed.

Moved to a new place, and still recovering from that.

Got a new phone. They it's "smart". A new order of intelligence.

*stares at phone, waiting for it to annihilate the world and spawn evil robots to take over what's left*

Not that smart, I guess. But I'll be keeping an eye on you...


Also saw the Hobbit, the other night.

Sadly, I wasn't impressed.

Seemed to be missing the "magic" that made the Lord of the Rings trilogy so spiffy. I liked that the Dwarves were all given their own personality/defining characteristics (which aren't really elaborated on in the book) - but overall felt that the Hobbit suffered from "prequelitis".

Much of the drama and tension is lost when I know Gandalf and Bilbo aren't in any real danger. After all, they make it through the later films. As for the Dwarves, I didn't really care too much for them. I wanted to - but there were too many of them to really keep track of, and they seemed more tweaked to be comic relief.

I also found it rather redonkulous that with all the shit that went down in the film, not a single 1 of the 13 dwarves died. That sort of defied credibility. But I can't remember if if that's how it went down in the book.

Also found it strange that the goblins, orcs, and wargs all looked different from the prior films. So much so that I was actually kind of taken out of the film. They looked cool, and were done pretty well - but the change was drastic enough that I was distracted when they were onscreen. I understand that the look of them should be updated with the newer technology that's come in the intervening years between the previous films, but it seems more like they were redesigned rather than updated. The discontinuity bothered me.

Lastly, I felt the film lacked scope. I suppose that's understandable. Lord of the Rings was a sweeping, epic tale about the possible end of the world - while the Hobbit is more a small-scale (pardon the pun) adventure.

Overall, I'm not chomping at the bit to see the other films that come out. And to be clear, I love me my Tolkien. But all the above issues combined with the Hobbit (a single book) being spliced into 3 films. I smell another studio plot to milk the fans. I don't see how this couldn't have been just 1, 4-hour film - like the extended cuts. I also feel that the Hobbit is rendered largely redundant by having the Lord of the Rings trilogy precede it.

Might own these someday, but I can certainly wait.

I have the unabridged audiobooks to tide me over...

At the Movies...

In the last little while I've watched a bunch of movies.

Dark Shadows
the Amazing Spider-man
The Dark Knight Rises
Prometheus

I've watched some more than once. And yet, not a single one of them really wowed me.

Dark Shadows was too campy. And had a great cast wasted with very small roles. Then again, I'm also not a fan of Mr. Burton, though I did enjoy Sleepy Hollow.

Spider-man was very hit-and-miss with its take on characters. Spider-man seemed more like an asshole, than a person of playful glib wit. Parker seemed a borderline emotional wreck, because of his "parental issues" - despite the fact that he had 2 very supportive, loving, blood-relatives looking after him for most of his life.

I got the impression that either the writer(s), or the director, were trying waaaay too hard to infuse realism into a character that is fundamentally supposed to exist in a genre that exploits wish-fulfillment (comic books). The juxtaposition of trying to empathize with Parker really diminished the buzz of him being Spider-man.

Dark Knight Rises had some peculiar casting with Tom Hardy (whom I usually like), Anne Hathaway (whom I despise), and continued use of Christian Bale. I've liked Mr. Bale in other films, but he in no way embodies the traits of Batman OR Bruce Wayne to me.

Prometheus was ambitious and full of great performers (Noomi Rapace, and Michael Fassbender especially), but overall, it seemed like it didn't know if it wanted to be a prequel to the Aliens franchise, or be its own stand-alone film. That wishy-washyness continually pulled me in, and then cut me loose, as I watched it.

Maybe I just have the "movie meh's".

The straw, the camel, and something about a back.

Got home from work about 45 minutes ago.

Rough day. Not so much from work, just from....stuff. I won't bore you with details. They don't matter.

For the record, when you've been quietly contemplating suicide continuously for an entire day - there's nothing worse than having a roomie hear your key in the door, rushing to it, taking a look at you and going "oh, it's you".

I nearly burst into tears on the spot.

Above

Finger Eleven - Above

Inside, I'm gone.
You knew that all-all along.
Without the distance, you never get away-yay-hey yay-hey.

Plastic bag image.
It's over now, it's over now.
The color fading, is all the way to grey-yay-hey yay-hey.

We-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look above.

We-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look abo-ove.

Trusting the instinct.
It's not about what you think.
The one reaction is only to obey-yay-hey yay-hey.

And I'm-I'm staring,
All around, not far down.
Judge the distance from the ground and pray-yay-hey yay-hey.

We-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look above.

We-hee-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look abo-ha-ya-ove.

We-ee-ee are strong, but we're dumb.
We look above, we look above.

WE-EE-EE ARE STRONG, BUT WE'RE DUMB.
WE LOOK ABOVE, WE LOOK ABOVE.

WE-EE-EE ARE STRONG, BUT WE'RE DUMB.
WE LOOK ABOVE, WE LOOK ABOVE.

WE-HEE-EE-EE ARE STROOONG, BUT WE'RE DUMB.
WE LOOK ABOVE, WE LOOK ABO-OVE.

WE LOOK ABOVE.

Hey-yay-hey yay-hey.

WE LOOK ABOVE, WE LOOK ABOVE.
Yay-hey yay-hey-yay.


I've been away. Don't think anyone's noticed. I didn't really notice, either. I've been kind of killing myself in increments over the last several months, with no end in sight. School fell through, various attempts at dating fell through, interpersonal responsibilities fell through. It sort of seems life (at least for me) is designed to continually fall through. I've got no energy to see anything through anymore. They don't have outlets for me to plug into so I can recharge. Can't decide if I should continue to get up, and keep on, or not. This might sound self-pitying, but it's not. I don't feel sorrowful, just disappointed. Nothing has any lasting substance. It's all intangible. All I can do is work, come home, work, come home, etc. When I'm home, I just sit at my computer and stare at the monitor, waiting for something.

Anyway, the above song has basically been rattling around my head for the last little while.

Link on YouTube.

The Muppet movie

I went to see the new Muppet movie yesterday.

It was EPIC!!

Or better yet, described thusly...

Most Sensational!

Inspirational!

Celebrational!

Muppetational!!

I grew up watching the original Muppet Show, and the few incarnations from between then and now. If you ever liked the Muppets, at any point in time, you will absolutely love this film. The well-written musical numbers, the cameos, the several mature sub-plots, and overall positive (but not maudlin) feel of this film, make it an absolute joy to watch.

You'll laugh, get teary-eyed, and laugh, and get teary-eyed some more. There needs to be more quality films like this put out into the world. It really captures the spirit of Jim Henson, and what the Muppets are about.

If you haven't carted your sweet patootie out to see it yet, you're seriously missing out. But if my word isn't enough to sway you, Rotten Tomatoes gave it 98%. That's over a hundred reviews from all over, averaged together. That many reviews can't be wrong.

Hopefully, Disney won't ruin it by riding it into the ground.

*crosses fingers*

Burt FUCKING Reynolds!!

Hello Blog.

I've been playing Saints Row the Third for the last few days, and that's what the title of this post refers to.

More accurately, it's a literal line of dialogue from the game, and an example of how sheer awesomeness can blindside you when it's unexpected.

Burt Reynolds actually voices his in-game counterpart, and the reveal of him was totally a surprise, and done in such a way as to imply coolness galore. I think any time something unexpectedly awesome happens, I shall forevermore say "Burt FUCKING Reynolds!!".

Long-story-short, I'm really enjoying the game.
<: ) In non-Burt related news: I've joined up to a paid online dating site, Match.com. I'm not posting a link - mainly because it's about as non-exciting as my other forays in online dating. 'Nuff said. I've been hearing some talk about an upcoming Superman movie, titled "Superman: Man of Steel". To be directed by Zack Snyder (who did Sucker Punch, Watchmen, Dawn of the Dead, and 300), and executive produced by Christopher Nolan (director of Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and Memento). Not sure how I feel about this, especially because Superman is something of an idol of mine, and has been since I was practically a fetus.

While at work the other day, I thought of a personal checklist of things that should happen in a Superman film, as follows:

-No explanation of his origins. EVERYONE knows who Superman is.
-Put him up against a credible threat. And not a threat that Supes has fought a buhjillion times.
-Showcase aspects that show how Superman is "super" - both in his awesome powers, and in his life and mindset.
-Other superhero cameos! Establish that Superman is in a larger world, one potentially filled with other heroes, like the Justice League.

Personally, if I told the story, I'd start the film with Superman going through his routine as Clark Kent. He might be down at the Daily Planet, trying to think of some kind of story to print, when he hears something with his super hearing. Peeping around to make sure no one's watching, he uses his super-speed to quickly hammer out a story based on what he's about to do, and rushes off into a series of brief vignettes showcasing him triumphing over various members of his rogues gallery.

I'd even toss in a few moments hinting at the founding of the Justice League. Maybe lifting parts of a space station into orbit, with glimpses of a few soon-to-be-members using their powers to help in the background.

Maybe there could even be a moment where we see Supes just flying around, when he spots a scuffle in a back alley. Cut to a black clad man in a cape, pummeling a group of obvious thugs - and there's a reveal that it's Batman, kicking some ass. Just as things look safe, a thug looks like he's got the drop on 'ole Bats. As the thug is about to strike/stab/shoot/hug(?) Batman - we see a brief zap of Superman's heat vision that temporarily stuns the criminal, alerting Batman, who then incapacitates him. Batman then turns, flashing a dirty look to Superman (implying familiarity), as Superman glides majestically off into the sky, with a happy salute and smile.

That's got to be enough for perhaps the first 20 minutes, and now we can settle in for the main plot.

In my take, I'd like to see Superman helping S.T.A.R. Labs with research on some kind of extradimensional power source. Something goes awry, and there's a quasi-dimensional "hiccup" in the experiment - and the results cause ripples of time-displacement around the surrounding area, which Supes must contend with. Maybe Supes gets another brief actiony montage dealing with the holes in our reality that are drawing forth some minor dangers. Dinosaurs, aliens, nazis, evil grannies, whatever. And after Superman is done fixing things, we get a reveal of something he missed. A figure, that in silhouette, seems exactly like Superman. And for a good chunk of the story, we'd only get tiny reveals of who this is, implying that it might be another Kryptonian - possibly an evil copy of Superman.

And it is, and it isn't.

I'd choose Ultraman, who is something of an alternate timeline/dimensional counterpart of Superman, and comparable in terms of power. At which point, I'd expect at least 1 more massive action setpiece, where Superman and Ultraman face off, and level, an area of Metropolis. I'm talking skyscrapers falling, hitting each other with buses and cars. An all-out super-brawl.

I see a moment where some bystanders witness 1 of the combatants bounce off a building and crash into the pavement. As they rush to help, it would be implied that it's Superman, but it isn't. As he rises from the asphalt crater, Ultraman cooks them with his heat vision. At least we insinuate that he does that. A close up of the bystanders backing away, with Ultraman's eyes starting to release energy.

I don't have any idea how it should end, exactly, but I do think it needs a twist. I think it might be cool to have it seem that Superman wins. Maybe he makes some kind of deal with Lex Luthor, acquiring a chunk of Kryptonite to use on Ultraman. But in an epilogue, we could show that Superman did not win, and exposing Ultraman to the kryptonite gave him the power to mimic Superman's appearance.

Credits.

Guaranteed need for sequel. It could involve an injured Superman teaming up with the heroes who will become the Justice League.

Could shoot both stories back-to-back.

BAM!

Waxing...off?

Hello again blog.

As usual, not much excitement happening. I've finally gotten my riches from Blue Cross, and the situation with the girl I was seeing indeed went south.

She didn't even bother to return an e-mail I sent her (which wasn't antagonistic, it was actually a reply to prior e-mail sent to me). Maybe she saw the blog-ish entries on my dating profile - ones where I implied the wasting of my time, and being led on (2 things I hate). Maybe not. I simply think she was too much of a coward to simply tell me she wasn't interested, and liked my attention (it probably boosted her self-esteem). In any case, I'm not surprised. It's kind of par for the course.

I used to think that all the "good ones" were taken. Now, I'm thinking that there were never any "good ones" to begin with.

Which brings me to my next...erm..."issue".

I've been wrestling with some feelings I'd rather not be. I've reached the point where I'm starting to feel absolutely bitter. Consistently so. Normally, I go through little periods of it, and eventually it passes. Now, I'm feeling it all the time. It's the kind of bitterness that makes me want to kick people's teeth in whenever I see them smiling, or happy. It's like the twist of an invisible knife in my heart when I see people holding hands, or walking their babies by in strollers. I'd murder the world to feel that amorphous, yet integral, thing. But I'm apparently not allowed to. I don't know why.

It's been very hard to keep the happy face on in front of anyone I know. But I'm known for being the smiling, silly goofball. So I guess this is all just "tears of a clown", or something. Me playing my role helps others get through their day. Or not. I don't even know anymore.

I've been hearing these 2 songs over the intercom at work. They've been poking at me for the last few weeks, and this afternoon, I finally sat down and figured out who did them.

It's nice to hear some actual "good music" (which is subjective, I suppose) out there for a change. Very sick of everything seeming to be Katy Perry, or Lady Gaga (both, whom I despise with the burning passion of a 1000 suns). Justin Hines is exceptional. Inspirational, even. In any case, I find both songs very moving.

Take a look.

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

Justin Hines - Tell Me I'm Wrong

With-ah Teeth-ah!

Hello again, Blog. How's Bloggyness treating you?

Not too much exciting things happening here. Here's the skinny.

-Been quasi-dating a cute, horribly issue-ridden girl. A bulimic, obsessive-compulsive (with excercise, possibly other things), into-the-cutting, girl...who likes to have friends-with-benefits. She also can't be bothered to give me time on her busy schedule. I only seem to get time when people cancel time with her. Also, she blew me off the other night, claiming she was heading home to nap, then texted me that she was out speed-skating. I guess that makes her kind of dumb, too. I don't think this'll last much longer.

-I've been wrestling with Alberta Blue Cross for the last few months. Apparently, the system in place doesn't update your information when it gets entered into it, should you be giving personal information to...say, a dentist office. Meaning that you have to contact them, and change all your personal info on their end.

Seems counter-intuitive. I bring it up because I've been waiting for reimbursement from my coverage, which is apparently going to an address I haven't lived at for almost a decade. All because the system doesn't acknowledge that newer information might be more reliable than what's on file. Now imagine that you've spent over $2000 out-of-pocket, waiting for reimbursement that isn't getting to you. Hulk is mad...and broke, waiting for my 85% coverage to get back to me.

I've called Blue Cross, twice now, to fix things. Hopefully, the riches will get to me in the next week or 2.

-I've been having peculiar dreams, and I think they're prophetic. Stuff I'm dreaming is coming to pass.

-On another weird note, R & J have been kicking around baby names, and for the last few weeks I've had a name stuck in my head.

"Lily".

I was meaning to suggest it, and just the other day, J confided that it's likely the name they're going with.

That might not sound too weird, but combine it with the fact that I also knew J was pregnant before anyone else did (even her), and knew it was going to be a girl...

Very, very odd.

Reports of my demise, are greatly exagerrated...sort of.

Hello blog, I've been ignoring you. Given the fact that alot of my blog is basically bitching, I felt the need to take a break, and refrain from it. In my own defense, in real life, I don't complain a lot. So poor blog has gotten the brunt of it. I never kept a diary, and I think this blog is basically where I've been dumping all my emo BS.

What's new? Hrm. A few things have happened in recent months. Here's a point-by-point recap:

-My roomies are expecting their first child. J is just getting into her 2nd trimester.

-R, J's husband, quit his job and went to Quebec to train for 10 weeks for a government position in Border Services. He just got back. J practically attached to him like a weird, pregnant barnacle. In a cute way.

-I nursed a co-worker through an unpleasant break-up. When things got ugly, I rose to the occasion and pulled some amazing stuff out of my ass, just to try and save the day. Yay, me.

I'd be more excited about it, but it ultimately didn't pan out like I'd hoped. She ended up moving back out to Newfoundland, and though she promised to keep in touch, she hasn't.

-I've been whiling away my time playing Star Trek Online, and Dead Island.

In Star Trek Online, I've got 3 characters from each class (science, engineering, and tactical) up to Vice Admiral (the highest rank in STO, currently). I even joined a Fleet, which is like a Guild in other MMOs.

I've been enjoying Dead Island, but the flimsyness of the melee weapons really annoys me. You can earn abilities as you level that bolster the resilience of weapons. Even so, they seem to break way too damn easily. If I'm bashing a zombified human with a steel pipe, it's not going to break after bashing in a dozen zombie skulls. Fact.

-I was at the dentist earlier this last week getting some work done. The dentist kept bopping me in the head with her boobs repeatedly. I was totally unsure of how to, or even if I should, try and raise the issue. I had a mouthful of equipment each time it happened, so I couldn't talk. To say "please miss, could you please stop hitting me with your boobs?" seems wrong somehow. Like antithetical to my very being. If I bump into that dentist again, I'll consider bringing it up, in a playfully joking way. She was very cute.

-I just found this awesome version of Star Fox doing a spoof of David Bowie's Space Oddity. I have no words to describe how awesome it is.

Go take a look right here.

Toodles!

"I am done with man..."

Recently my interests of late have been about monsters. Both in film and literature.

Nightbreed, Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein, etc.

I've always had a fascination with monsters. I've typically felt more a kinship with them than I do with "normal" people. That realization didn't dawn on me until late last night, during my viewing of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I'll explain the trigger in a bit.

Growing up, I've always been weird. I've never fit in, never felt like I belong, or been accepted. I don't have ties to family or friends, and until recently, thought I had something close to it. But like everything, it never lasts. And when it falls apart, it does so in spectacular fashion. And I'm left with nothing. Again.

I always thought that if I did good things, treated people with respect and dignity, that somehow I'd earn...something. Some kind of recognition. A gold star signifying "good job". I figured that someone might notice. But I don't think anyone is watching me. Nor do I think anyone even cares. I've been down this road before, more than a few times. Struggling with the need for confirmation.

I never thought I was a praise-seeker, per se, I just want a reason. A reason for why I've had to deal with the abuse I've taken, and still take, as one of many invisible people out in the world. I need a reason to continue to be here. A reason to stay. And I search for it. I search for it in people's faces. But the gaze of people just glides over. No one registers me. I'm not on the radar. Not special enough to be singled out.

I feel sick with this need for someone to actually see me. To really, truly see me. I dream, and hope, and pray for some kind of...connection. But after many years, and alot of mileage, I realize it's a "long wait for a train don't come".

I feel like I've broken myself. Trying to squish my square-peg-self into a round-peg hole. Trying to play nice with the "normal" folks, only to get kicked for my trouble.

Anyhoo.

Back to the point about monsters I was going to make. In the film I was watching (Mary Shelley's Frankenstein), there was a moment when the Creation, had finally tracked down his creator, and met with him on the "sea of ice". The Creation (played by Robert De Niro), had a moment of dialogue that resonated exactly with how I feel.

"I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all".

"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage the likes of which you would not believe".

"If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other".

I'm not sure at what point I became this...thing. All twisted up inside from being marginalized, ignored, and alienated. I don't feel like a person anymore. More like a movie monster than a functional person.

But if no one will acknowledge the man, then I will give them the monster...

Dream or nightmares...

Yesterday, I only got about 1 hour of sleep before work. Biked to, and from, work...then collapsed into bed when I got home.

I slept for about 4 hours and had a very peculiar dream. The kind of dream that is so vivid and real, that when you wake up, you don't recognize where you are. I'll even go 1 better, I didn't immediately recognize who I was, either. I stretched out as I awoke, and felt crammed into a different container, then had a brief spaz. Funny thing is, this isn't the first time I've had dreams like this. I've had them frequently enough, that I sometimes wonder which side is the "reality" (note the quotation marks).

I don't remember the exact details of the dream, I just remember that I wasn't my waking self. I was someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. And it felt more real to me than things feel now.

Blergh...

I sometimes get into these prolongued moods where I just don't want to talk or deal with anyone. I've never been a really social person, but neither am I the type who has it in their heart to end everyone I lay eyes on, either. But in the last 2 months I've become fairly disillusioned. It's like the phases of the moon, really. Something comes along to make me feel good, then other things come along to bring me down. That's life, I suppose.

Disillusionment checklist:

#1 - My roomies suddenly stopped speaking with me. Normally this isn't a big deal, but when they flat-out start avoiding me, or deliberatley ignoring me, I start to take it personal. After about 2 weeks of this, it was finally brought to my attention that they feel taken advantage of. Long-story-short, they take credit for a majority of the changes I've gone through in the time I've known them. And feel that they've put too much time into me, and need to put that effort in elsewhere. It's true, they have, but the problem is the time that's been put into me was unsolicited. Meaning that I didn't overtly go "hey, do this for me". And they expect me to do backflips, or prostrate myself before them. Since the big discussion about this, things have gone right back to me being ignored, with them literally pretending I don't exist. It's pissing me right off. I'm actually tempted to move, when they go on vacation in the next few days. This silent treatment is so ridiculously immature.

#2 - OKCupid is just as disappointing as Plentyoffish. I still patrol for matches that don't actually "match". And the people who I get along with, just slowly disappear. Making me have to chase them for attention. I don't like that. I don't expect to be chased all the time, but a little counter-chasing is good. It at least proves that you're interested. But as it stands, nothing ever seems to go anywhere. The only person I've met that treats me with an unusual amount of respect and consideration, is a girl moving back here from Japan, whom I haven't even met yet.

#3 - My lightsaber appears to be broken. No idea how or why, as I don't handle it all that much. But I went to turn it on a few weeks back, and there was intense feedback coming through the speaker. It'll cost me $56 to replace the speaker, the LED (which was boring me, being silvery-white), and for the labor. It's not horribly expensive, $35 is for the labor alone. I find it kind of dubious that I couldn't get the 'sabersmith to look at my 'saber until right now, conveniently past the warranty time of 90 days.

Quoting Reznor...

I came across an old quote from Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, circa 1994.

"I don't know why I want to do these things, other than my desire to escape from Small Town, U.S.A., to dismiss the boundaries, to explore. It isn't a bad place where I grew up, but there was nothing going on but the cornfields. My life experience came from watching movies, watching TV and reading books and looking at magazines. And when your fucking culture comes from watching TV every day, you're bombarded with images of things that seem cool, places that seem interesting, people who have jobs and careers and opportunities. None of that happened where I was. You're almost taught to realize it's not for you."

I can really connect with this statement. I grew up the exact same way, isolated, with my experiences drawn from books, television, music, and movies. It makes me wonder what aspects of my life are really mine, and what's just cloned/borrowed from others.

Dragonfly...

Not moody anymore. I'm feeling kind of peculiar, though. I'v been going through my music and re-listening to older stuff. Found this little gem from a few years ago. For some reason it appeals to my sense of whimsy.
\:)

Universal Hall Pass - Dragonfly

Jump in, it's only fire.
The pilot's set to broil, my nimble cook.
It's useless, flying kites...
It only works if the wind is right.
And I've got a question for my dragonfly:
How to navigate through a perilous tide,
Without a safe or sound device...
Save only I?
Save, save only I?

So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.

Jump in, the wisdom's with the pearls.
The little shiny eyes the oysters took.
Deception, dragonfly.
The underage plan to drink the night.
It's not some wonderful feeling like something just in the way.
Call up the 30 winds 'til your Persian rug flies.
Without a sage for sound advice...
Who's there?
Save only I?
Save, save only I?

So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.

Oh, I'm willing...my dragonfly.
No need to slice the dark, it's just as good...I've found.
So jump in while the flame is bright.
And if you jump when the wind is right.
Think of this not as fire, but lights of coming dawn...
Coming dawn...
Coming dawn...

Fall up into the wind, if she offers a ride.
With no one else to turn the tide...
Save only I?
Save, save only I?

So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.

So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.

Crash and burn...

I'm feeling moody, and for some reason this particular song resonates with me right now.


Sheryl Crow - Crash and Burn

I watched the sun come up on Portland
I waved goodbye to all my friends
I packed my car and headed to L.A.
I gave away all my loose ends

Somebody said you gotta get away
To wanna go back home again
I left my universe, standin' there
Holdin' the hand of my best friend

And it's laughter that I feel when I think of you
It's one more dusty rose about to turn
I'll see you when I reach New Mexico
If I'm in the mood to crash and burn

I wrote a letter that I never mailed
I rehearsed a dialogue in my head
In case you ever wanted to track me down
I'll take my cell phone to bed

And it's laughter that I hear when I close my eyes
And it's one more punchline I forgot to learn
I call you up when my bottle's dry
I'm on my way to crash and burn

Antigone laid across the road
And let a mack truck leave her there for dead
Just because her lover split the scene
Love might be great, but why lose your head?

Well, it's laughter that comes up when I cry for you
And my heart may break again, before it learns
And I might be stupid enough to want to fall again
'Cause I've gotten used to the crash and burn
I say, I've gotten used to the crash and burn

Crash and burn

Crash

Crash

Crash

Crash and burn​

Winter of my discontent...

I just looked outside my window.

Why is there snow??

Not-so-OK, Cupid...

I've recently joined another dating site, OKcupid.com. Someone recommended it to me, so I thought I'd take the plunge. Plenty of Fish is just too...uneventful.

I've researched paid sites, such as eharmony, and found a number of rather disturbing things in the online dating scene. Things like "ghost profiles" (fake profiles, or defunct profiles being used to give the sense that people are viewing your profile), dubious match-making (supposedly you're a match, yet you find that there's absolutely nothing in common), or shoving a ton of "matches" at you right after you unsubscribe (to lure you back). I'm fairly certain POF is using a few of the tactics I've heard about, but that's neither here nor there.

I really like the layout of OKCupid. I also like the options, and the user-generated questions and content. Apparently alot of POFers do too. I've seen about a dozen people I've recognized from POF, there. Semi-ironically, a number of them were matched to me on POF, but according to OKCupid, weren't good matches. Then again, the matching is done moreso by an ever-changing database that cross-references itself, based on how many questions you answered, how the questions were answered, and then comparing the answers to the database population.

So far, I've had about the same success as I had on POF. I send out a buhjillion messages and get about 1-2 responses that really don't go anywhere. I chatted with 1 woman, who seemed really enthusiastic, only to have her stop speaking to me. I could actually see that she was still online, and waited for an hour to see if she'd respond. It's been days, I've seen her online, and she still hasn't bothered to respond, even though we were in mid-conversation at the time.

Bleh.

Same 'ole, same 'ole.

And so, Sunday comes...

"And so, Sunday comes...not much better than it was..."

Yes, that's a Moist quote.

I feel kind of blah today, which is kind of like how I felt yesterday, and the days before that. It's Spring, shouldn't I feel...effervescent or something?!

Maybe it's just exhaustion talking.

Yesterday, I fell asleep at 7PM, woke up at midnight, rolled over and went back to sleep. Or at least tried. I basically tossed and turned until about 7AM, then got up for work.

I did have a peculiar dream, though. I was deep underwater, swimming down, and realized I had gone down too deep...and was running out of air. In the dream, I panicked and tried to surface but couldn't seem to get there. I remember watching my last bubbles of air floating in front of me, and realized I was about to drown. Lungs burning, I reflexively took a breath, expecting to feel water rush into them, and then horrible suffocation.

Oddly, it felt like water, but soothed my lungs like air. I remember how weird and surprising it felt to take several experimental breaths, and not be drowning. At which point I think that's when I woke up.

How's that for a wet dream?

*chuckles*

Bummed

Blergh...

SO, it looks like Andromeda and I are done.

Even after trying to patch things up, I still got my daily dose of passive-aggressiveness with her finally telling me 1 day "that I wasn't putting in enough effort". There was no warning whatsoever. Just BAM!

*sigh*

It's really tiring to deal with someone who keeps making you the bad guy, and themselves the victim. I admit, I haven't been all sunshine and rainbows, lately, but I was trying.

I think that after awhile, you just get numb to the games being played. I'm not even sure she knows how bad it is, or that she even does it (though I have told her), but she kept coming at it from the stance that it was all me, and that she was doing all the work.

Apply that to everything, and that's how bad it was getting.

So, after work one day, I made arrangements to collect my stuff, I stumbled to her place, gathered up said stuff, and said good-bye.

Been feeling really bummed the last few days, in the wake of this. Mainly because after all the psychological abuse she was subjecting me to, the intense passive-aggressiveness, double-standards, and needyness...I miss her.

Even though I know that I didn't deserve alot of what came my way, right now, a part of me feels like I did...