"Too much stress makes Homer go somethin'-somethin'."
"Go crazy?"
"Don't mind if I DO!!"
Erm. Yeah...
Everything is stress. I feel like a huge, raw, exposed nerve.
Just slept for the last 12 hours. I think the only time I don't hurt is when I'm unconscious. I've been thinking about that alot, lately. Or perhaps I should say "constantly". I don't want to be awake any more.
I had to forcibly hold myself together by sheer force of will to not break down while I was at work, yesterday. I might just be coming apart.
Had 1 date cancel on me. Another cancel, last-minute, and go the extra mile by saying "you're a good person, I just can't see myself with you". Bitch didn't even try. Bleh.
On the upside, I recently spent an evening with a woman who works at a health food store I frequent. I suppose I'll refer to her as "T". A pleasant, attractive woman, with a rich voice, beautiful smile, and she makes me feel kind of squishy inside. I guess that last part isn't too hard to accomplish. I probably reek of desperation.
Anyhoo. I bumped into her the other day, and we got to chatting. Chatting which lasted for about 3 hours, until she closed up shop. It didn't seem like that long.
She had had surgery, recently, and was having some problems making ends meet...at least until the end of the month. She hadn't even been able to eat that day. I bought her some supper, and lent her a few bucks. Pretty sure she wasn't fishing for sympathy, which is why I did it. I also did it because it feels good to make someone else's day better. And I got a hug for it. She smelled nice.
*sigh*
I've contemplated asking her out a few times. Not sure it's a good idea. I know she's single, and I know we get along, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Things are so blurry for me right now, I don't think it would be responsible to inadvertantly bring that upon someone else. Not even for my own happiness.
Now on to a different kind of "blurry", I also booked an appointment for a Lasik consultation for next week. I've gotten tired of dropping $450 every few years on glasses. Might as well see what's what about laser eye surgery. Also gotten tired of how easily-broken glasses seem to be. The glasses I'm wearing right now are barely 2 years old, and held together with Crazy Glue. I've been too stubborn to replace them. It seems like a better long-term solution to just get my eyes zapped. Even if I may have to resort to glasses later in life, I won't have to drop nearly as much as I do now for a unique prescription.
*waits for next Thursday*
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sunny...
I've been up all night. Not really sure why or how, as I'm tired beyond all reason. And I'm not being melodramatic when I say that. I feel as if I've had to contain a nuclear detonation inside me.
I feel....spent.
The sun starts rising here at around 4:30-5 AM, and I felt the need to watch it.
It's funny that I can't really remember the last time I've watched the sun rise. The horizon turns brown, then becomes gold, a sort-of-green, then to blue.
I can't help but feel that there was something important in the proceedings. That I needed to witness this.
I wonder why.
I feel....spent.
The sun starts rising here at around 4:30-5 AM, and I felt the need to watch it.
It's funny that I can't really remember the last time I've watched the sun rise. The horizon turns brown, then becomes gold, a sort-of-green, then to blue.
I can't help but feel that there was something important in the proceedings. That I needed to witness this.
I wonder why.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Savin' me...
Been listening to alot of music lately. Going back and listening to things I hadn't listened to in awhile. Seems like the older stuff is better than any new stuff kicking around now.
Also been ruminating about what to do with myself. As usual, I still really don't know. But I think it's time I try focusing on something, as opposed to running in place. Doing that hasn't done much for me these last few years.
Alot of the time I just wish someone could pull me aside and flat out tell me what to do with myself. And not in the go-fuck-yourself kind of way. I suppose I'm just the kind of person that needs some kind of validation.
I guess that makes the following song a bit more relevant than usual.
---Nickelback - Savin' Me
Prison gates won't open up for me.
On these hands and knees, I'm crawlin'.
Oh, I reach for you...
Well, I'm terrified of these four walls.
These iron bars can't hold my soul in.
All I need is you. (Come please, I'm callin').
And, oh, I scream for you. (Hurry...I'm fallin', I'm fallin')
Show me what it's like. (To be the last one standin')
And teach me wrong from right. (And I'll show you what I can be)
Say it for me, say it to me.
And I'll leave this life behind me.
Say it, if it's worth savin' me.
Heaven's gates won't open up for me.
With these broken wings, I'm fallin'.
And all I see is you...
These city walls ain't got no love for me.
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story.
And, oh, I scream for you. (Come please, I'm callin')
And all I need from you... (Hurry...I'm fallin', I'm fallin')
Show me what it's like. (To be the last one standin')
And teach me wrong from right. (And I'll show you what I can be)
Say it for me, say it to me.
And I'll leave this life behind me.
Say it, if it's worth savin' me.
(Hurry I'm fallin')
Ahhhh-yeah!
And all I need is you. (Come please, I'm callin')
And, oh, I scream for you. (Hurry...I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin')
Show me what it's like. (To be the last one standin')
And teach me wrong from right. (And I'll show you what I can be)
Say it for me, say it to me.
And I'll leave this life behind me.
Say it, if it's worth savin' me. (Hurry...I'm fallin')
And say it for me, say it to me.
And I'll leave this life behind me.
Say it, if it's worth savin' me...
Also been ruminating about what to do with myself. As usual, I still really don't know. But I think it's time I try focusing on something, as opposed to running in place. Doing that hasn't done much for me these last few years.
Alot of the time I just wish someone could pull me aside and flat out tell me what to do with myself. And not in the go-fuck-yourself kind of way. I suppose I'm just the kind of person that needs some kind of validation.
I guess that makes the following song a bit more relevant than usual.
---Nickelback - Savin' Me
Prison gates won't open up for me.
On these hands and knees, I'm crawlin'.
Oh, I reach for you...
Well, I'm terrified of these four walls.
These iron bars can't hold my soul in.
All I need is you. (Come please, I'm callin').
And, oh, I scream for you. (Hurry...I'm fallin', I'm fallin')
Show me what it's like. (To be the last one standin')
And teach me wrong from right. (And I'll show you what I can be)
Say it for me, say it to me.
And I'll leave this life behind me.
Say it, if it's worth savin' me.
Heaven's gates won't open up for me.
With these broken wings, I'm fallin'.
And all I see is you...
These city walls ain't got no love for me.
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story.
And, oh, I scream for you. (Come please, I'm callin')
And all I need from you... (Hurry...I'm fallin', I'm fallin')
Show me what it's like. (To be the last one standin')
And teach me wrong from right. (And I'll show you what I can be)
Say it for me, say it to me.
And I'll leave this life behind me.
Say it, if it's worth savin' me.
(Hurry I'm fallin')
Ahhhh-yeah!
And all I need is you. (Come please, I'm callin')
And, oh, I scream for you. (Hurry...I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin')
Show me what it's like. (To be the last one standin')
And teach me wrong from right. (And I'll show you what I can be)
Say it for me, say it to me.
And I'll leave this life behind me.
Say it, if it's worth savin' me. (Hurry...I'm fallin')
And say it for me, say it to me.
And I'll leave this life behind me.
Say it, if it's worth savin' me...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Ruminations...
Found a site that quite possibly might be the most awesome site ever.
Nimoy Sunset Pie
Okay, I might be exaggerating more than a little bit, but being a Star Trek fan I can't help but appreciate that totally whimsical website. I'm not sure why I like it. But in all honesty, how many of us like things a ridiculously huge amount, yet when asked, have no idea why? It's nice to appreciate a little illogic from time-to-time.
On a not-really-similar note, I finally caved and bought Left 4 Dead 2. This makes me a major hypocrite, and I'll explain why in a bit. I saw it on Steam (which is a proprietary front-end for games, FYI) for a measely $12, and caved.
The reason being for my hypocrisy/boycott, was the fact that when the original was developed, there was alot of talk about game support, add-ons, and SDKs for developing your own maps. What happened was very little support, a shitty add-on (not even half the size of a normal campaign), and an SDK put out about a month before they were to release the sequel, which renders the point of an SDK kind of obsolete. A sequel which boasted alot of the innovations the fanbase for the original were asking for. This whole scenario sort of split the community. Some embraced the idea of a sequel that was better than the first game, others (like myself) felt it was a bit of a slap in the face. Given that game development tends to take years, the release of the sequel happened exactly 1 year from the first game. Alot of people felt that the sequel really should've been an add-on for the first game, not a full-blown new game. One that gouges fans of the first for more money. Mind you, it's not like I expected to get all this extra stuff for free, I didn't. I just thought it was kind of offensive to ask full price for what was essentially a few more maps, with a few extra tweaks.
I suppose in my mind, the $12 I spent on Left 4 Dead 2 was worth it. But I still feel a bit heavy with hypocrisy.
Or is if from the Nimoy Sunset Pie...?
Nimoy Sunset Pie
Okay, I might be exaggerating more than a little bit, but being a Star Trek fan I can't help but appreciate that totally whimsical website. I'm not sure why I like it. But in all honesty, how many of us like things a ridiculously huge amount, yet when asked, have no idea why? It's nice to appreciate a little illogic from time-to-time.
On a not-really-similar note, I finally caved and bought Left 4 Dead 2. This makes me a major hypocrite, and I'll explain why in a bit. I saw it on Steam (which is a proprietary front-end for games, FYI) for a measely $12, and caved.
The reason being for my hypocrisy/boycott, was the fact that when the original was developed, there was alot of talk about game support, add-ons, and SDKs for developing your own maps. What happened was very little support, a shitty add-on (not even half the size of a normal campaign), and an SDK put out about a month before they were to release the sequel, which renders the point of an SDK kind of obsolete. A sequel which boasted alot of the innovations the fanbase for the original were asking for. This whole scenario sort of split the community. Some embraced the idea of a sequel that was better than the first game, others (like myself) felt it was a bit of a slap in the face. Given that game development tends to take years, the release of the sequel happened exactly 1 year from the first game. Alot of people felt that the sequel really should've been an add-on for the first game, not a full-blown new game. One that gouges fans of the first for more money. Mind you, it's not like I expected to get all this extra stuff for free, I didn't. I just thought it was kind of offensive to ask full price for what was essentially a few more maps, with a few extra tweaks.
I suppose in my mind, the $12 I spent on Left 4 Dead 2 was worth it. But I still feel a bit heavy with hypocrisy.
Or is if from the Nimoy Sunset Pie...?
Friday, July 2, 2010
Less is less...
Been working on a makeover this last week. Cut all my hair off, and got a bunch of new clothes.
Everyone I know seems really impressed by this. The problem is, I feel even less like myself than I did before.
And I'm not happy.
Maybe less isn't more. Maybe sometimes less is less.
Heard an old Matchbox Twenty song on the intercom. Never been a fan of them, but the song encapsulates how I feel, perfectly.
---Matchbox Twenty - Bent
If I fall along the way...
Pick me up and dust me off.
And if I get too tired to make it.
Be my breath, so I can walk.
And if I need some other lovin'.
Give me more than I can stand.
And when my smile gets old and faded...
Wait around, I'll smile again.
Shouldn't be so complicated.
Just hold me, and then...
Just hold me again!
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never...
Get put back together.
Keep breakin' me in!
And this is how we will end...
With you and me....bent.
If I couldn't sleep, could you sleep?
Could you paint me better off?
Could you sympathize with my needs?
I know you think I need alot.
I started out clean, but I'm jaded.
Just phoning it in....
Just breaking the skin.
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never...
Get put back together...
Keep breakin' me in!
And this is how we will end.
With you and me....bent.
Start bendin' me...
It's never enough.
'Til I feel all your pieces...
Start bendin' me...
Keep bendin' me until-I'm-completely-broken-in!
Shouldn't be so complicated.
Just touch me, and then...
Oh, just touch me again!
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never...
Get put back together.
Keep breakin' me in!
And this is how we will end...
With you and me bendin', without understandin'.
Hell, I'll go there again!
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never...
Get put back together.
Yeah, you're breakin' me in.
And this is how we will end...
With you and me....
...bent.
Everyone I know seems really impressed by this. The problem is, I feel even less like myself than I did before.
And I'm not happy.
Maybe less isn't more. Maybe sometimes less is less.
Heard an old Matchbox Twenty song on the intercom. Never been a fan of them, but the song encapsulates how I feel, perfectly.
---Matchbox Twenty - Bent
If I fall along the way...
Pick me up and dust me off.
And if I get too tired to make it.
Be my breath, so I can walk.
And if I need some other lovin'.
Give me more than I can stand.
And when my smile gets old and faded...
Wait around, I'll smile again.
Shouldn't be so complicated.
Just hold me, and then...
Just hold me again!
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never...
Get put back together.
Keep breakin' me in!
And this is how we will end...
With you and me....bent.
If I couldn't sleep, could you sleep?
Could you paint me better off?
Could you sympathize with my needs?
I know you think I need alot.
I started out clean, but I'm jaded.
Just phoning it in....
Just breaking the skin.
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never...
Get put back together...
Keep breakin' me in!
And this is how we will end.
With you and me....bent.
Start bendin' me...
It's never enough.
'Til I feel all your pieces...
Start bendin' me...
Keep bendin' me until-I'm-completely-broken-in!
Shouldn't be so complicated.
Just touch me, and then...
Oh, just touch me again!
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never...
Get put back together.
Keep breakin' me in!
And this is how we will end...
With you and me bendin', without understandin'.
Hell, I'll go there again!
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never...
Get put back together.
Yeah, you're breakin' me in.
And this is how we will end...
With you and me....
...bent.
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