Hello blog, I've been ignoring you. Given the fact that alot of my blog is basically bitching, I felt the need to take a break, and refrain from it. In my own defense, in real life, I don't complain a lot. So poor blog has gotten the brunt of it. I never kept a diary, and I think this blog is basically where I've been dumping all my emo BS.
What's new? Hrm. A few things have happened in recent months. Here's a point-by-point recap:
-My roomies are expecting their first child. J is just getting into her 2nd trimester.
-R, J's husband, quit his job and went to Quebec to train for 10 weeks for a government position in Border Services. He just got back. J practically attached to him like a weird, pregnant barnacle. In a cute way.
-I nursed a co-worker through an unpleasant break-up. When things got ugly, I rose to the occasion and pulled some amazing stuff out of my ass, just to try and save the day. Yay, me.
I'd be more excited about it, but it ultimately didn't pan out like I'd hoped. She ended up moving back out to Newfoundland, and though she promised to keep in touch, she hasn't.
-I've been whiling away my time playing Star Trek Online, and Dead Island.
In Star Trek Online, I've got 3 characters from each class (science, engineering, and tactical) up to Vice Admiral (the highest rank in STO, currently). I even joined a Fleet, which is like a Guild in other MMOs.
I've been enjoying Dead Island, but the flimsyness of the melee weapons really annoys me. You can earn abilities as you level that bolster the resilience of weapons. Even so, they seem to break way too damn easily. If I'm bashing a zombified human with a steel pipe, it's not going to break after bashing in a dozen zombie skulls. Fact.
-I was at the dentist earlier this last week getting some work done. The dentist kept bopping me in the head with her boobs repeatedly. I was totally unsure of how to, or even if I should, try and raise the issue. I had a mouthful of equipment each time it happened, so I couldn't talk. To say "please miss, could you please stop hitting me with your boobs?" seems wrong somehow. Like antithetical to my very being. If I bump into that dentist again, I'll consider bringing it up, in a playfully joking way. She was very cute.
-I just found this awesome version of Star Fox doing a spoof of David Bowie's Space Oddity. I have no words to describe how awesome it is.
Go take a look right here.
Toodles!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"I am done with man..."
Recently my interests of late have been about monsters. Both in film and literature.
Nightbreed, Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein, etc.
I've always had a fascination with monsters. I've typically felt more a kinship with them than I do with "normal" people. That realization didn't dawn on me until late last night, during my viewing of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I'll explain the trigger in a bit.
Growing up, I've always been weird. I've never fit in, never felt like I belong, or been accepted. I don't have ties to family or friends, and until recently, thought I had something close to it. But like everything, it never lasts. And when it falls apart, it does so in spectacular fashion. And I'm left with nothing. Again.
I always thought that if I did good things, treated people with respect and dignity, that somehow I'd earn...something. Some kind of recognition. A gold star signifying "good job". I figured that someone might notice. But I don't think anyone is watching me. Nor do I think anyone even cares. I've been down this road before, more than a few times. Struggling with the need for confirmation.
I never thought I was a praise-seeker, per se, I just want a reason. A reason for why I've had to deal with the abuse I've taken, and still take, as one of many invisible people out in the world. I need a reason to continue to be here. A reason to stay. And I search for it. I search for it in people's faces. But the gaze of people just glides over. No one registers me. I'm not on the radar. Not special enough to be singled out.
I feel sick with this need for someone to actually see me. To really, truly see me. I dream, and hope, and pray for some kind of...connection. But after many years, and alot of mileage, I realize it's a "long wait for a train don't come".
I feel like I've broken myself. Trying to squish my square-peg-self into a round-peg hole. Trying to play nice with the "normal" folks, only to get kicked for my trouble.
Anyhoo.
Back to the point about monsters I was going to make. In the film I was watching (Mary Shelley's Frankenstein), there was a moment when the Creation, had finally tracked down his creator, and met with him on the "sea of ice". The Creation (played by Robert De Niro), had a moment of dialogue that resonated exactly with how I feel.
"I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all".
"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage the likes of which you would not believe".
"If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other".
I'm not sure at what point I became this...thing. All twisted up inside from being marginalized, ignored, and alienated. I don't feel like a person anymore. More like a movie monster than a functional person.
But if no one will acknowledge the man, then I will give them the monster...
Nightbreed, Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein, etc.
I've always had a fascination with monsters. I've typically felt more a kinship with them than I do with "normal" people. That realization didn't dawn on me until late last night, during my viewing of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I'll explain the trigger in a bit.
Growing up, I've always been weird. I've never fit in, never felt like I belong, or been accepted. I don't have ties to family or friends, and until recently, thought I had something close to it. But like everything, it never lasts. And when it falls apart, it does so in spectacular fashion. And I'm left with nothing. Again.
I always thought that if I did good things, treated people with respect and dignity, that somehow I'd earn...something. Some kind of recognition. A gold star signifying "good job". I figured that someone might notice. But I don't think anyone is watching me. Nor do I think anyone even cares. I've been down this road before, more than a few times. Struggling with the need for confirmation.
I never thought I was a praise-seeker, per se, I just want a reason. A reason for why I've had to deal with the abuse I've taken, and still take, as one of many invisible people out in the world. I need a reason to continue to be here. A reason to stay. And I search for it. I search for it in people's faces. But the gaze of people just glides over. No one registers me. I'm not on the radar. Not special enough to be singled out.
I feel sick with this need for someone to actually see me. To really, truly see me. I dream, and hope, and pray for some kind of...connection. But after many years, and alot of mileage, I realize it's a "long wait for a train don't come".
I feel like I've broken myself. Trying to squish my square-peg-self into a round-peg hole. Trying to play nice with the "normal" folks, only to get kicked for my trouble.
Anyhoo.
Back to the point about monsters I was going to make. In the film I was watching (Mary Shelley's Frankenstein), there was a moment when the Creation, had finally tracked down his creator, and met with him on the "sea of ice". The Creation (played by Robert De Niro), had a moment of dialogue that resonated exactly with how I feel.
"I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all".
"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage the likes of which you would not believe".
"If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other".
I'm not sure at what point I became this...thing. All twisted up inside from being marginalized, ignored, and alienated. I don't feel like a person anymore. More like a movie monster than a functional person.
But if no one will acknowledge the man, then I will give them the monster...
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Dream or nightmares...
Yesterday, I only got about 1 hour of sleep before work. Biked to, and from, work...then collapsed into bed when I got home.
I slept for about 4 hours and had a very peculiar dream. The kind of dream that is so vivid and real, that when you wake up, you don't recognize where you are. I'll even go 1 better, I didn't immediately recognize who I was, either. I stretched out as I awoke, and felt crammed into a different container, then had a brief spaz. Funny thing is, this isn't the first time I've had dreams like this. I've had them frequently enough, that I sometimes wonder which side is the "reality" (note the quotation marks).
I don't remember the exact details of the dream, I just remember that I wasn't my waking self. I was someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. And it felt more real to me than things feel now.
I slept for about 4 hours and had a very peculiar dream. The kind of dream that is so vivid and real, that when you wake up, you don't recognize where you are. I'll even go 1 better, I didn't immediately recognize who I was, either. I stretched out as I awoke, and felt crammed into a different container, then had a brief spaz. Funny thing is, this isn't the first time I've had dreams like this. I've had them frequently enough, that I sometimes wonder which side is the "reality" (note the quotation marks).
I don't remember the exact details of the dream, I just remember that I wasn't my waking self. I was someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. And it felt more real to me than things feel now.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Blergh...
I sometimes get into these prolongued moods where I just don't want to talk or deal with anyone. I've never been a really social person, but neither am I the type who has it in their heart to end everyone I lay eyes on, either. But in the last 2 months I've become fairly disillusioned. It's like the phases of the moon, really. Something comes along to make me feel good, then other things come along to bring me down. That's life, I suppose.
Disillusionment checklist:
#1 - My roomies suddenly stopped speaking with me. Normally this isn't a big deal, but when they flat-out start avoiding me, or deliberatley ignoring me, I start to take it personal. After about 2 weeks of this, it was finally brought to my attention that they feel taken advantage of. Long-story-short, they take credit for a majority of the changes I've gone through in the time I've known them. And feel that they've put too much time into me, and need to put that effort in elsewhere. It's true, they have, but the problem is the time that's been put into me was unsolicited. Meaning that I didn't overtly go "hey, do this for me". And they expect me to do backflips, or prostrate myself before them. Since the big discussion about this, things have gone right back to me being ignored, with them literally pretending I don't exist. It's pissing me right off. I'm actually tempted to move, when they go on vacation in the next few days. This silent treatment is so ridiculously immature.
#2 - OKCupid is just as disappointing as Plentyoffish. I still patrol for matches that don't actually "match". And the people who I get along with, just slowly disappear. Making me have to chase them for attention. I don't like that. I don't expect to be chased all the time, but a little counter-chasing is good. It at least proves that you're interested. But as it stands, nothing ever seems to go anywhere. The only person I've met that treats me with an unusual amount of respect and consideration, is a girl moving back here from Japan, whom I haven't even met yet.
#3 - My lightsaber appears to be broken. No idea how or why, as I don't handle it all that much. But I went to turn it on a few weeks back, and there was intense feedback coming through the speaker. It'll cost me $56 to replace the speaker, the LED (which was boring me, being silvery-white), and for the labor. It's not horribly expensive, $35 is for the labor alone. I find it kind of dubious that I couldn't get the 'sabersmith to look at my 'saber until right now, conveniently past the warranty time of 90 days.
Disillusionment checklist:
#1 - My roomies suddenly stopped speaking with me. Normally this isn't a big deal, but when they flat-out start avoiding me, or deliberatley ignoring me, I start to take it personal. After about 2 weeks of this, it was finally brought to my attention that they feel taken advantage of. Long-story-short, they take credit for a majority of the changes I've gone through in the time I've known them. And feel that they've put too much time into me, and need to put that effort in elsewhere. It's true, they have, but the problem is the time that's been put into me was unsolicited. Meaning that I didn't overtly go "hey, do this for me". And they expect me to do backflips, or prostrate myself before them. Since the big discussion about this, things have gone right back to me being ignored, with them literally pretending I don't exist. It's pissing me right off. I'm actually tempted to move, when they go on vacation in the next few days. This silent treatment is so ridiculously immature.
#2 - OKCupid is just as disappointing as Plentyoffish. I still patrol for matches that don't actually "match". And the people who I get along with, just slowly disappear. Making me have to chase them for attention. I don't like that. I don't expect to be chased all the time, but a little counter-chasing is good. It at least proves that you're interested. But as it stands, nothing ever seems to go anywhere. The only person I've met that treats me with an unusual amount of respect and consideration, is a girl moving back here from Japan, whom I haven't even met yet.
#3 - My lightsaber appears to be broken. No idea how or why, as I don't handle it all that much. But I went to turn it on a few weeks back, and there was intense feedback coming through the speaker. It'll cost me $56 to replace the speaker, the LED (which was boring me, being silvery-white), and for the labor. It's not horribly expensive, $35 is for the labor alone. I find it kind of dubious that I couldn't get the 'sabersmith to look at my 'saber until right now, conveniently past the warranty time of 90 days.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Quoting Reznor...
I came across an old quote from Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, circa 1994.
"I don't know why I want to do these things, other than my desire to escape from Small Town, U.S.A., to dismiss the boundaries, to explore. It isn't a bad place where I grew up, but there was nothing going on but the cornfields. My life experience came from watching movies, watching TV and reading books and looking at magazines. And when your fucking culture comes from watching TV every day, you're bombarded with images of things that seem cool, places that seem interesting, people who have jobs and careers and opportunities. None of that happened where I was. You're almost taught to realize it's not for you."
I can really connect with this statement. I grew up the exact same way, isolated, with my experiences drawn from books, television, music, and movies. It makes me wonder what aspects of my life are really mine, and what's just cloned/borrowed from others.
"I don't know why I want to do these things, other than my desire to escape from Small Town, U.S.A., to dismiss the boundaries, to explore. It isn't a bad place where I grew up, but there was nothing going on but the cornfields. My life experience came from watching movies, watching TV and reading books and looking at magazines. And when your fucking culture comes from watching TV every day, you're bombarded with images of things that seem cool, places that seem interesting, people who have jobs and careers and opportunities. None of that happened where I was. You're almost taught to realize it's not for you."
I can really connect with this statement. I grew up the exact same way, isolated, with my experiences drawn from books, television, music, and movies. It makes me wonder what aspects of my life are really mine, and what's just cloned/borrowed from others.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Dragonfly...
Not moody anymore. I'm feeling kind of peculiar, though. I'v been going through my music and re-listening to older stuff. Found this little gem from a few years ago. For some reason it appeals to my sense of whimsy.
\:)
Universal Hall Pass - Dragonfly
Jump in, it's only fire.
The pilot's set to broil, my nimble cook.
It's useless, flying kites...
It only works if the wind is right.
And I've got a question for my dragonfly:
How to navigate through a perilous tide,
Without a safe or sound device...
Save only I?
Save, save only I?
So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.
Jump in, the wisdom's with the pearls.
The little shiny eyes the oysters took.
Deception, dragonfly.
The underage plan to drink the night.
It's not some wonderful feeling like something just in the way.
Call up the 30 winds 'til your Persian rug flies.
Without a sage for sound advice...
Who's there?
Save only I?
Save, save only I?
So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.
Oh, I'm willing...my dragonfly.
No need to slice the dark, it's just as good...I've found.
So jump in while the flame is bright.
And if you jump when the wind is right.
Think of this not as fire, but lights of coming dawn...
Coming dawn...
Coming dawn...
Fall up into the wind, if she offers a ride.
With no one else to turn the tide...
Save only I?
Save, save only I?
So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.
So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.
\:)
Universal Hall Pass - Dragonfly
Jump in, it's only fire.
The pilot's set to broil, my nimble cook.
It's useless, flying kites...
It only works if the wind is right.
And I've got a question for my dragonfly:
How to navigate through a perilous tide,
Without a safe or sound device...
Save only I?
Save, save only I?
So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.
Jump in, the wisdom's with the pearls.
The little shiny eyes the oysters took.
Deception, dragonfly.
The underage plan to drink the night.
It's not some wonderful feeling like something just in the way.
Call up the 30 winds 'til your Persian rug flies.
Without a sage for sound advice...
Who's there?
Save only I?
Save, save only I?
So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.
Oh, I'm willing...my dragonfly.
No need to slice the dark, it's just as good...I've found.
So jump in while the flame is bright.
And if you jump when the wind is right.
Think of this not as fire, but lights of coming dawn...
Coming dawn...
Coming dawn...
Fall up into the wind, if she offers a ride.
With no one else to turn the tide...
Save only I?
Save, save only I?
So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.
So sayeth the law of shadow.
No night is so long to stop day from following.
So long as I reach the air and finally feel my colours change.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Crash and burn...
I'm feeling moody, and for some reason this particular song resonates with me right now.
Sheryl Crow - Crash and Burn
I watched the sun come up on Portland
I waved goodbye to all my friends
I packed my car and headed to L.A.
I gave away all my loose ends
Somebody said you gotta get away
To wanna go back home again
I left my universe, standin' there
Holdin' the hand of my best friend
And it's laughter that I feel when I think of you
It's one more dusty rose about to turn
I'll see you when I reach New Mexico
If I'm in the mood to crash and burn
I wrote a letter that I never mailed
I rehearsed a dialogue in my head
In case you ever wanted to track me down
I'll take my cell phone to bed
And it's laughter that I hear when I close my eyes
And it's one more punchline I forgot to learn
I call you up when my bottle's dry
I'm on my way to crash and burn
Antigone laid across the road
And let a mack truck leave her there for dead
Just because her lover split the scene
Love might be great, but why lose your head?
Well, it's laughter that comes up when I cry for you
And my heart may break again, before it learns
And I might be stupid enough to want to fall again
'Cause I've gotten used to the crash and burn
I say, I've gotten used to the crash and burn
Crash and burn
Crash
Crash
Crash
Crash and burn
Sheryl Crow - Crash and Burn
I watched the sun come up on Portland
I waved goodbye to all my friends
I packed my car and headed to L.A.
I gave away all my loose ends
Somebody said you gotta get away
To wanna go back home again
I left my universe, standin' there
Holdin' the hand of my best friend
And it's laughter that I feel when I think of you
It's one more dusty rose about to turn
I'll see you when I reach New Mexico
If I'm in the mood to crash and burn
I wrote a letter that I never mailed
I rehearsed a dialogue in my head
In case you ever wanted to track me down
I'll take my cell phone to bed
And it's laughter that I hear when I close my eyes
And it's one more punchline I forgot to learn
I call you up when my bottle's dry
I'm on my way to crash and burn
Antigone laid across the road
And let a mack truck leave her there for dead
Just because her lover split the scene
Love might be great, but why lose your head?
Well, it's laughter that comes up when I cry for you
And my heart may break again, before it learns
And I might be stupid enough to want to fall again
'Cause I've gotten used to the crash and burn
I say, I've gotten used to the crash and burn
Crash and burn
Crash
Crash
Crash
Crash and burn
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