Got into a semi-deep discussion with my friend, roomie, and co-worker at work, today.
As it occasionally does, it was a discussion based on how I sometimes go about things in an illogical way (which I will admit to when I do it).
Case-in-point, trying to develop romantic relationships. I'm told that I'm not willing to do several simple things to make myself more appealing.
It's true, to an extent. I'm not keen of hitting the gym, but I'm not anywhere near fat...or lazy. I'm not averse to getting a haircut, but I need some kind of idea of what kind of cut to get. I like most of the things I wear (I'm quasi-fashionable), and actually wouldn't mind getting some new wardrobe pieces, etc.
It's all decisions based on variable (and constantly varying) circumstances. And combined with the fact that I don't think there's alot that's unappealing about me, at least on the surface.
Ultimately though, as I tried to explain a bit of my methodology, I simply broke out a personal revelation about myself, and why my relationship attempts fail.
I'm afraid to be happy.
Happiness never lasts for me. Oftentimes it's so fleeting that it can be said to have never happened at all.
I have been alone so long, alienated for so long, that there's a kind of perverse kind of love for my own suffering. I cling to it. I cling to it because it's been the only constant in my life. Unlike friends, family, even possessions, my pain has never abandoned me. And so I cling to it, like a drowning man would cling to a life-preserver in the middle of the ocean. In an uncertain, and confusing world, it will always be there for me.
And because I know that I have problems, I feel a sense of responsibility concerning relationships. On one hand, I want to be in one almost desperately. I would bleed for a honest-to-God "good relationship". I want to be with someone I can trust and confide in, and unveil my innermost secrets, and return that in kind.
On the other, I know that only an extreme few would be okay with some of the things I think, need, or feel. And it's disheartening to keep trying, only to keep failing. And I suspect that I set myself up deliberately to fail. I start to question my value. I ask "do I have anything to really offer?".
And I suspect that I don't...and I can't subject anyone to that.
I try to explain all this, but all my friend does is make semi-jokey comments. And I start to remember why I don't share this type of stuff very often.
I end up feeling totally misunderstood. Like I'm speaking a different language.
And the only one who knows my language...is me.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Champion of Chimp-peon?
I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned that I enjoy MMOs. So far, the best one I've ever played was Lord of the Rings: Online. Though it does sadden me to say that I don't play it anymore.
I've played several others, some good, some bad. I'm currently playing Star Trek Online, and Champions Online.
After a few bad experiences with MMOs I've gotten into the habit of not playing them until their first year of running, just so that many of the bugs can get ironed out. Given that I'm a fan of both superheroes and sci-fi, I broke that cardinal rule, and tried both. I got into Star Trek Online about 1 month after it hit the shelves, and tried Champions Online about 3-4 months in. Champions has been kind of hit-and-miss with me. It was buggy, had lag issues, servers constantly crashing, and creating characters with a good spread of skills was kind of tough because the descriptions of the abilities you were buying weren't often clear. It also doesn't take place in a world I'm familiar with, based on a RPG I've never played. Everything in the Champions universe seems like hodge-podge of homages to practically every sci-fi/fantasy/comic situation or character. Instead of Hulk, you get Grond. Instead of Iron Man, you get Defender, etc. I think there's a fine line between "homage" and "being unoriginal bastards". But after taking a 2-month break, I heard that they had done some revisions, fixed some bugs, applied some patches, and I'm back to my crime-fighting. And might need a 12-step program to quit.
Got a game-related milestone accomplished, too. Leveled a character up to level 25, and made them a nemesis to fight. Yay me! But does this make me a champion, or a chimp-peon?
Star Trek had alot more polish, had kick-ass space combat, and was overall pretty awash with Trekishness. Having watched all the different series' growing up, films as well, it was a formative thing while I was growing up. But I kind of let my fandom of Trek slide for the last few years. Playing Star Trek Online certainly rekindled that. If only the leveling were a bit easier, with less grinding cookie-cutter missions.
I think I have a hankering to play some now.
"Beam me up, Scotty."
I've played several others, some good, some bad. I'm currently playing Star Trek Online, and Champions Online.
After a few bad experiences with MMOs I've gotten into the habit of not playing them until their first year of running, just so that many of the bugs can get ironed out. Given that I'm a fan of both superheroes and sci-fi, I broke that cardinal rule, and tried both. I got into Star Trek Online about 1 month after it hit the shelves, and tried Champions Online about 3-4 months in. Champions has been kind of hit-and-miss with me. It was buggy, had lag issues, servers constantly crashing, and creating characters with a good spread of skills was kind of tough because the descriptions of the abilities you were buying weren't often clear. It also doesn't take place in a world I'm familiar with, based on a RPG I've never played. Everything in the Champions universe seems like hodge-podge of homages to practically every sci-fi/fantasy/comic situation or character. Instead of Hulk, you get Grond. Instead of Iron Man, you get Defender, etc. I think there's a fine line between "homage" and "being unoriginal bastards". But after taking a 2-month break, I heard that they had done some revisions, fixed some bugs, applied some patches, and I'm back to my crime-fighting. And might need a 12-step program to quit.
Got a game-related milestone accomplished, too. Leveled a character up to level 25, and made them a nemesis to fight. Yay me! But does this make me a champion, or a chimp-peon?
Star Trek had alot more polish, had kick-ass space combat, and was overall pretty awash with Trekishness. Having watched all the different series' growing up, films as well, it was a formative thing while I was growing up. But I kind of let my fandom of Trek slide for the last few years. Playing Star Trek Online certainly rekindled that. If only the leveling were a bit easier, with less grinding cookie-cutter missions.
I think I have a hankering to play some now.
"Beam me up, Scotty."
Monday, May 31, 2010
Blargle-blargle!
I've thought about posting something for the last week or so. I get moments of inspiration. Like seeing, or thinking something on the way to work. But alot of the time I just get so run-down over the course of the day that I put it off, and forget to post it.
A couple weird things happened, recently.
I've been researching some peculiar, and prolongued, symptoms I've been experiencing. Things like extreme fatigue, A weird recurring buildup on my tongue, chronic pain, problems concentrating, etc. I've got some kind of infection. My research has led me to some form of Candidiasis. I suspect that at some point after a bout with pneumonia approximately 2-or-so years ago, the antibiotics killed what was making me sick, but also stripped my body of all the good bacteria every human being needs to be healthy. And when this happened, other things came to roost, and my beleaguered immune system couldn't fight it off. I picked up some things that should help me regulate, and after taking them for a few days, I feel somewhat improved. Also stopped drinking energy drinks, replaced them with varying fruit juices. Been enjoying the acai berry blend.
Today, at work, I was sweeping up a mess I'd made, and accidentally knocked over the garbage can I was dumping it in to. Most normal people, would say things like "shit!", or "dammit!". I wanted to say those things, but what came out of my mouth was "Blargle-blargle!". Imagine yelling that out, when it was totally not what you were intending to say. I felt like I'd suddenly been dubbed in an alien language.
I gots me a spiffy new bottle of cologne, called Dunhill Desire. I've been having a hard time finding it here. When I do, I'm usually too strapped for cash to get it. But now, I have a very large bottle, and it smells just like I remember it. Just the scent practically makes me orgasm...
...Which is probably not a good thing to mention. A too-much-information kind of thing.
Tough, I said it.
It smells so close to cotton candy. I have to resist spraying it on everything I own.
Now if I weren't STILL having such terrible luck with women, I'd expect that smelling this stuff might actually attract one. But as usual, my wooing skills are insufficient. I'm yet again considering swearing off women. Which isn't really the right way of putting it. It's so bad that I think it's more like women have sworn off me.
Bleh.
A couple weird things happened, recently.
I've been researching some peculiar, and prolongued, symptoms I've been experiencing. Things like extreme fatigue, A weird recurring buildup on my tongue, chronic pain, problems concentrating, etc. I've got some kind of infection. My research has led me to some form of Candidiasis. I suspect that at some point after a bout with pneumonia approximately 2-or-so years ago, the antibiotics killed what was making me sick, but also stripped my body of all the good bacteria every human being needs to be healthy. And when this happened, other things came to roost, and my beleaguered immune system couldn't fight it off. I picked up some things that should help me regulate, and after taking them for a few days, I feel somewhat improved. Also stopped drinking energy drinks, replaced them with varying fruit juices. Been enjoying the acai berry blend.
Today, at work, I was sweeping up a mess I'd made, and accidentally knocked over the garbage can I was dumping it in to. Most normal people, would say things like "shit!", or "dammit!". I wanted to say those things, but what came out of my mouth was "Blargle-blargle!". Imagine yelling that out, when it was totally not what you were intending to say. I felt like I'd suddenly been dubbed in an alien language.
I gots me a spiffy new bottle of cologne, called Dunhill Desire. I've been having a hard time finding it here. When I do, I'm usually too strapped for cash to get it. But now, I have a very large bottle, and it smells just like I remember it. Just the scent practically makes me orgasm...
...Which is probably not a good thing to mention. A too-much-information kind of thing.
Tough, I said it.
It smells so close to cotton candy. I have to resist spraying it on everything I own.
Now if I weren't STILL having such terrible luck with women, I'd expect that smelling this stuff might actually attract one. But as usual, my wooing skills are insufficient. I'm yet again considering swearing off women. Which isn't really the right way of putting it. It's so bad that I think it's more like women have sworn off me.
Bleh.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Now with more SMRT!
Been away for awhile. Been busy. Between failed connections with women, work, work, and more work, and then studying (more on that later), much of my time has been so gobbled up, I've forgone downloading porn and gaming online. Seriously, no porn, no gaming. For me, someone who normally squeezes in even a few minutes here 'n there, it's like Moses parting the red sea. A biblical event. Maybe I should apply for sainthood.
Ummm. Probably not.
For the last month-or-so, things have become kind of hectic. My old supervisor, a great guy, and a greater boss, was transferred. This event was both a blessing for him, and a curse for those of us left behind. I am glad for him, though, The manager at my location rode his ass like a pony for a year, trying to get him to quit, and couldn't do it. So my hat's off to you, ex-supervisor homie!
A new, more incapable, lazy, useless, fat, stupid...erm...did I mention fat and stupid? And lazy? I suppose I digress. In any case, she is everything that my old supervisor isn't, and never could be. At least not without alot of invasive cosmetic surgery that would turn him into a fat, lazy, woman with arm-jowls, and a penchant for tremendous bursts of irrational, illogical thought. Now I realize this might make me sound like a woman-hater. I'd like to interject that I am not. I just don't get along with fat, lazy, inept people...who, in this case, just so happens to be a woman.
Anyhoo. Where he worked damn hard, helped out, made our lives easier, was a sympathetic human being, and inspired us, etc.. The new one is like the Bizarro-version of him. Where he would see a need for something done, and saw noone capable of doing it, he would jump in and do it himself. Not so, with Chubby McArm-jowls. She'll leave you hangin', while she delegates stuff that's supposed to be her job, and then disappears for 4 hours, upstairs in the office. Presumably to eat small children who have been slow-roasted over low-heat to preserve their juices.
And then there's the irrational, and illogical things she's doing, and gets away with.
My ex-boss, the aforementioned pony, had X amount of hours he could distribute amongst staff. He had to answer for any amount of shrink our department produced, answer for the lack of product produced, and answer for a cornucopia of other things involving the department's day-to-day activity. All of which had him under the threat of being fired. Mind you, not alot of this was justified, as rumor (and the fact the manager is a serious bastard) suggests that the store manager was simply looking for excuses to fire him. In a battle between a guy with over 20 years of experience in a given field, versus a manager with a lifetime experience of nothing else but being one of the purest asshole-douchebag hybrids I've ever seen...well, I'd side with the guy who has field-experience. Apparently that defies logic somehow. Chubby McArm-jowls apparently has free reign to do whatever she likes, with no fear of repercussion. All restrictions my old boss had, she doesn't. And it doesn't take more than a glance to tell she's nowhere near as competent as he was. This past week alone, she ordered waaay too much stock. Everyone told her she ordered too much stock. And this week, when all that stock sat around in the back room, and expired...thousands of dollars of product was wasted. And boy does it puzzle the shit out of me how a person gets away with that scot-free.
Just thinking about all that makes red stuff come out of my nose and ears. Ketchup? Hrm, tastes salty...
I suppose I'll just touch on a few other recent events, while I await medical attention:
-Been working like a dog. Work is Hell. And I've been contemplating quitting in a very serious fashion.
-Met a few women. Got either horribly rejected, neglected, or shown that they were crazy bitches.
-The need for better work caused me to finally get up off my ass and cram for my GED.
-Wrote the GED. Passed the GED. I am now SMRT! Now the job-hunting shall begin.
-I just got woken up by a peculiar dream. In my dream, I was sleeping, and something was entering my room, which woke me up. I couldn't see what it was and threw something at it to make it leave. I then snapped awake. The dream was so real, it took me a minute to realize I wasn't sleeping.
-I think my refrigerator just stopped working. SHIT!
Ummm. Probably not.
For the last month-or-so, things have become kind of hectic. My old supervisor, a great guy, and a greater boss, was transferred. This event was both a blessing for him, and a curse for those of us left behind. I am glad for him, though, The manager at my location rode his ass like a pony for a year, trying to get him to quit, and couldn't do it. So my hat's off to you, ex-supervisor homie!
A new, more incapable, lazy, useless, fat, stupid...erm...did I mention fat and stupid? And lazy? I suppose I digress. In any case, she is everything that my old supervisor isn't, and never could be. At least not without alot of invasive cosmetic surgery that would turn him into a fat, lazy, woman with arm-jowls, and a penchant for tremendous bursts of irrational, illogical thought. Now I realize this might make me sound like a woman-hater. I'd like to interject that I am not. I just don't get along with fat, lazy, inept people...who, in this case, just so happens to be a woman.
Anyhoo. Where he worked damn hard, helped out, made our lives easier, was a sympathetic human being, and inspired us, etc.. The new one is like the Bizarro-version of him. Where he would see a need for something done, and saw noone capable of doing it, he would jump in and do it himself. Not so, with Chubby McArm-jowls. She'll leave you hangin', while she delegates stuff that's supposed to be her job, and then disappears for 4 hours, upstairs in the office. Presumably to eat small children who have been slow-roasted over low-heat to preserve their juices.
And then there's the irrational, and illogical things she's doing, and gets away with.
My ex-boss, the aforementioned pony, had X amount of hours he could distribute amongst staff. He had to answer for any amount of shrink our department produced, answer for the lack of product produced, and answer for a cornucopia of other things involving the department's day-to-day activity. All of which had him under the threat of being fired. Mind you, not alot of this was justified, as rumor (and the fact the manager is a serious bastard) suggests that the store manager was simply looking for excuses to fire him. In a battle between a guy with over 20 years of experience in a given field, versus a manager with a lifetime experience of nothing else but being one of the purest asshole-douchebag hybrids I've ever seen...well, I'd side with the guy who has field-experience. Apparently that defies logic somehow. Chubby McArm-jowls apparently has free reign to do whatever she likes, with no fear of repercussion. All restrictions my old boss had, she doesn't. And it doesn't take more than a glance to tell she's nowhere near as competent as he was. This past week alone, she ordered waaay too much stock. Everyone told her she ordered too much stock. And this week, when all that stock sat around in the back room, and expired...thousands of dollars of product was wasted. And boy does it puzzle the shit out of me how a person gets away with that scot-free.
Just thinking about all that makes red stuff come out of my nose and ears. Ketchup? Hrm, tastes salty...
I suppose I'll just touch on a few other recent events, while I await medical attention:
-Been working like a dog. Work is Hell. And I've been contemplating quitting in a very serious fashion.
-Met a few women. Got either horribly rejected, neglected, or shown that they were crazy bitches.
-The need for better work caused me to finally get up off my ass and cram for my GED.
-Wrote the GED. Passed the GED. I am now SMRT! Now the job-hunting shall begin.
-I just got woken up by a peculiar dream. In my dream, I was sleeping, and something was entering my room, which woke me up. I couldn't see what it was and threw something at it to make it leave. I then snapped awake. The dream was so real, it took me a minute to realize I wasn't sleeping.
-I think my refrigerator just stopped working. SHIT!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Oops...pornography!
Being painfully single, and living with 3 roomies has its challenges.
For example, having been alone as much as I have, I'm used to...erm..."snapping one off" whenever I feel like it. Same goes for watching porn. Now me, being a very private person, I'm very hush-hush about porn. I don't talk about it much, express much external interest in it (though I have some), I'd even go so far as to say I'm kind of in the closet concerning porn. Not sure why. It might have something to do with previous relationships where porn became something of a communal scenario. And the experience(s) couldn't be described as "fun". Unless you live in a bizarro world where up-is-down, in-is-out, good-is-evil, and "fun" is actually like getting your bits 'n pieces caught in a belt-sander.
While in relationships, the porn-viewing became more of a Ebert & Roeper (or perhaps even a Waldorf & Statler)-type affair. Nothing kills eroticism (what little there may be to had, depending on the porn being viewed) like critiquing/heckling. But I digress...
The point I was attempting to make (and stopped to ramble, during) was that for me, there has been some adjustment in having roomies. I no longer watch, or download as much porn as I used to. The frequency in which I masturbate, has also declined. Even with my door closed to my room, I simply cannot trust that a roomie won't come a-bangin' at my door, for some retarded reason or another. I've acquired masturbatory paranoia.
Which reminds me (again, with the rambling!) of what I was going to post in the first place. I needed to talk to a roomie, earlier this week. So I went down the hall, to their room, and knocked on the door. "Yo!", responded my roomie. Now to me, a hearty "Yo!" means "Come on in!". Let's just say I caught him on his laptop, with his knickers down, watching some hot black-on-white, interracial action.
Oops.
I admit that we both really handled the situation like champs. He simply stopped what he was doing, looked up, and said: "Dude, I'm watching some porn". To which I replied: "Hrm, sorry", and I promptly closed the door.
For example, having been alone as much as I have, I'm used to...erm..."snapping one off" whenever I feel like it. Same goes for watching porn. Now me, being a very private person, I'm very hush-hush about porn. I don't talk about it much, express much external interest in it (though I have some), I'd even go so far as to say I'm kind of in the closet concerning porn. Not sure why. It might have something to do with previous relationships where porn became something of a communal scenario. And the experience(s) couldn't be described as "fun". Unless you live in a bizarro world where up-is-down, in-is-out, good-is-evil, and "fun" is actually like getting your bits 'n pieces caught in a belt-sander.
While in relationships, the porn-viewing became more of a Ebert & Roeper (or perhaps even a Waldorf & Statler)-type affair. Nothing kills eroticism (what little there may be to had, depending on the porn being viewed) like critiquing/heckling. But I digress...
The point I was attempting to make (and stopped to ramble, during) was that for me, there has been some adjustment in having roomies. I no longer watch, or download as much porn as I used to. The frequency in which I masturbate, has also declined. Even with my door closed to my room, I simply cannot trust that a roomie won't come a-bangin' at my door, for some retarded reason or another. I've acquired masturbatory paranoia.
Which reminds me (again, with the rambling!) of what I was going to post in the first place. I needed to talk to a roomie, earlier this week. So I went down the hall, to their room, and knocked on the door. "Yo!", responded my roomie. Now to me, a hearty "Yo!" means "Come on in!". Let's just say I caught him on his laptop, with his knickers down, watching some hot black-on-white, interracial action.
Oops.
I admit that we both really handled the situation like champs. He simply stopped what he was doing, looked up, and said: "Dude, I'm watching some porn". To which I replied: "Hrm, sorry", and I promptly closed the door.
Monday, March 15, 2010
...Not as single spies, but in battalions
Argh. I've heard good things come in threes, but I've recently experienced that the opposite is also true.
About 3 weeks-or-so ago, 3 extremely unpleasant things happened.
#1. The motherboard on my 'puter got cooked. Not sure how, but I suspect via a power surge that overwhelmed my surge-protector. Me without 'puter, makes Homer go something-something.
So, silly me decided to upgrade. I got a new processor, motherboard, RAM, and a new power supply. I got a friend to help me put it all together ('cause I wasn't sure I could). And it didn't work. I then spent a week trying to figure out what was wrong. I finally caved and took it in, and it turns out that the new, swanky RAM I got was not compatible with the motherboard. Or more accurately, the RAM should've been compatible, was on paper, but was in fact, not. I had to settle for stable, but less powerful RAM. 'Puter is good now.
#2. Around that same time my 'puter went poof, my MSN/Hotmail e-mail account, my POF account, and a few of my gaming accounts got hacked. I suspect it was Mary (my most recent ex, who might've known my passwords).
Thankfully, I've sorted out everything but the e-mail problems. Microsoft is staggeringly unhelpful in that regard. I've gotten 3 e-mails from them asking for the exact same shit I've already sent to confirm that it was my e-mail and account to begin with. So I just made a whole new e-mail.
#3. Also during the above stuff, I acquired some kind of massive eye infection. I missed 6-or-so shifts at work (totalling around $600 lost), because it was thought to be conjunctivitis. Health and safety states that in the food industry, one cannot work while sick with something extremely contagious. So I missed a bunch of work. I also spent 3 days straight with my head jammed under a pillow, lights out, ready to scream. The faintest of light caused intense, intense, INTENSE pain. Saying it 3 times should indicate just how intense that pain was.
*quits whinin'*
About 3 weeks-or-so ago, 3 extremely unpleasant things happened.
#1. The motherboard on my 'puter got cooked. Not sure how, but I suspect via a power surge that overwhelmed my surge-protector. Me without 'puter, makes Homer go something-something.
So, silly me decided to upgrade. I got a new processor, motherboard, RAM, and a new power supply. I got a friend to help me put it all together ('cause I wasn't sure I could). And it didn't work. I then spent a week trying to figure out what was wrong. I finally caved and took it in, and it turns out that the new, swanky RAM I got was not compatible with the motherboard. Or more accurately, the RAM should've been compatible, was on paper, but was in fact, not. I had to settle for stable, but less powerful RAM. 'Puter is good now.
#2. Around that same time my 'puter went poof, my MSN/Hotmail e-mail account, my POF account, and a few of my gaming accounts got hacked. I suspect it was Mary (my most recent ex, who might've known my passwords).
Thankfully, I've sorted out everything but the e-mail problems. Microsoft is staggeringly unhelpful in that regard. I've gotten 3 e-mails from them asking for the exact same shit I've already sent to confirm that it was my e-mail and account to begin with. So I just made a whole new e-mail.
#3. Also during the above stuff, I acquired some kind of massive eye infection. I missed 6-or-so shifts at work (totalling around $600 lost), because it was thought to be conjunctivitis. Health and safety states that in the food industry, one cannot work while sick with something extremely contagious. So I missed a bunch of work. I also spent 3 days straight with my head jammed under a pillow, lights out, ready to scream. The faintest of light caused intense, intense, INTENSE pain. Saying it 3 times should indicate just how intense that pain was.
*quits whinin'*
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Everything's comin' up Milhouse!
It's been awhile, but I had some time to kill so I thought I'd take a few minutes to add another entry.
Things are lookin' good (finally!). I'm finally over my sniffles, got moved to the new place, have gotten adjusted to having roomies, been going out with a woman that seems to enjoy my company (though I wouldn't say we're dating). I also got paid, got my holiday pay, and got 2/3rds of my damage deposit back from my old apartment.
So, long-story-short everything's comin' up Milhouse!
Going to grab a small 'fridge for my room this week. Unfortunately, it means I need to get off my ass and finish unpacking the junk in my room.
Booo!
But "boo" in a good way.
I need to savor these moments and appreciate them more, they're very few and far-between.
Things are lookin' good (finally!). I'm finally over my sniffles, got moved to the new place, have gotten adjusted to having roomies, been going out with a woman that seems to enjoy my company (though I wouldn't say we're dating). I also got paid, got my holiday pay, and got 2/3rds of my damage deposit back from my old apartment.
So, long-story-short everything's comin' up Milhouse!
Going to grab a small 'fridge for my room this week. Unfortunately, it means I need to get off my ass and finish unpacking the junk in my room.
Booo!
But "boo" in a good way.
I need to savor these moments and appreciate them more, they're very few and far-between.
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